I get many thousands of emails, Facebook mails, MySpace messages, Tweets and YouTube messages every year, and I actually write back to as many as I can. Occasionally, if someone asks a fairly universal question and I have the time, I will post my reply here, fully anonymized.

Today’s question is potentially annoying to transwomen because it projects the idea onto us that we are not “real” or “women”, but from the tone of the larger note I could tell that this was a younger questioner with honest intentions:

I like transsexual women and would like to find one to date. Why do ts women on MySpace and other websites list themselves as “women” rather than “transsexuals”, when that makes it harder for men who like them to find them?

My Response:

It’s a complicated situation, XXXXX… Most all transsexual women make the change because they want to be *women*, not because they want to be *transsexuals*, so they claim the identity they’re aiming for (woman) instead of claiming the identity that describes their difficult journey from male to female (transsexual).

At the same time, if they’re pre-op or non-op they have bodies that are surprising to men who aren’t expecting anything different, so it’s wise to reveal their status to any man they’re about to get intimate with. The key thing to remember in this case is this: having genitals that are different from the expected is really only important when a girl is about to get intimate with someone, whether it’s a lover or just an intimate situation like being in the showers at the gym with other girls. If a trans woman is not planning on those situations, she really doesn’t *need* to say anything about her genitals or make any distinctions at all, unless she wants to for political reasons.

If a trans woman has chosen to have vaginoplasty (a “sex change”), then she may want to identify as a woman completely and not disclose her history to anyone. This is called living in “stealth”. But even after vaginoplasty, many trans women prefer to talk about their history with lovers, boyfriends and their closest friends so that they can comfortably talk about their past (childhood memories, funny experiences with friends, difficult times during the transition process) without having to edit or fabricate.

As far as finding trans women to date… it can be very difficult, because the trans women who want to stay hidden will stay hidden, and only those who are the most comfortable with themselves or those who want to make a statement about their transition will put themselves out there. Websites like http://www.craigslist.org can be filled with fakes and sexworker ads, but you may also find some relationship-minded girls there in the non-sexwork sections. There are other sites out there like http://www.tsgirlfriend.com but I can’t vouch for any of them in terms of being a good resource or a dead end because I haven’t spent a lot of time looking at any of them.

Best wishes to you!

Calpernia

Feeling a little chubby after a bit of comfort-eating, I asked my Facebook pals if they knew any “unhealthy, dangerous supermodel quick-fixes for losing weight”, ha ha. They were VERY helpful. (Obviously, I don’t recommend any drugs or unhealthful practices like anorexia/bulemia!)

What are some unhealthy, dangerous supermodel quick-fixes for losing weight?

March 30 at 12:10am

1. Obviously you need to cleanse!! Drink an ungodly concoction of syrup and cayenne pepper and lemon juice for two weeks and you’re set…
2. Cocaine is my personal favorite… its a bit expensive, but I’m sure your could afford it.
3. i like the old school methode of swallowing tape worms
4. Ecstasy works as well. Benefits include that the addiction to it is much easier to kick and it lasts much longer for a cheaper price. On the other side, you can’t fully function while rolling.
   Confessions of an ex- teenage junky are over for now.
5. Haha.
6. Calpernia Addams: Besides Colombian Dancing Powder, Taking the “H” Train or Tapeworm Diet Pills – http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/5412/tapeworms.jpg
7. Nothing like a good meth addiction for losing weight. Course, you might also try to rip your own face off, but it’s a small price to pay.
8. you could always swallow a tapeworm… I’m sure you can find the capsules on the internet… but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s pretty gross.
9. HA, I was seconds too late in denouncing the C, X, T and tapeworm methods…
10. The thing about meth, aside from MDMA, is that you permanently look disfigured afterward. Its pretty terrible.
11. Calpernia Addams: Link to image of tapeworm diet pills ad – http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/5412/tapeworms.jpg
12. You could always go the über emo route and be anorexic or bulimic.
13. oh yeah a good case of GEORDIA, SHIGELLA and or AMEOBIC DYSENTARY will make you shed pounds in a matter of DAYS !! (I lost 15 pounds in 3 days)
14. Its ok Cal… you know you love us for trying. Haha.
15. Ah, but bulimia doesn’t really help one lose weight, contrary to popular opinion. Anorexia is much more effective at that.
16. Calpernia Addams: Ahh, old-skool anorexia and bulimia… the classics never go out of style. All of these quick fixes damange your looks, though, ha ha. Maybe I’ll just do the water/lemon juice/cayenne pepper route.
17. Oh… all thats really left are healthy diet and exercise programs and anorexia and bulimia without the binging.
18. Not eating and upping the spironolactone for a couple days was always my solution when I was modeling, honey.
19. Coke and Exos don’t really hurt the physical look if used in moderation.
    Calpernia Addams: My diet commercial starts with “I’ve tried EVERYTHING but diet and exercise, and I still can’t seem to lose weight!”
20. Eat nothing at all. When you’re about to faint, you’re allowed one cube of cheese. (devil wears prada diet)
21. I thought spiro made most people gain weight? I need to re-educate myself about hormones, obviously.
22. well..not sure if it’s unhealty, but i’ve been dropping lots of weight by following a high fiber and protein (but not atkins) diet, pretty much no dairy or sugar, and take senna tea (i think it’s called “Smooth Move” and you can get it at the supermarket) before you go to bed. drink lots of water and get tons of sleep. i’ve even cheated a bit but i… Read More still lose about 1/2 lb to 1 lb a day. i subsist on mini whole wheat bagels, peanut butter, apples, hard boiled eggs and protein bars. and coffee. mmm…coffee. just make sure that you’re eating as many calories as you are burning with physical activity or you’ll go into starvation mode and not lose a bit! PS. you look GREAT… i don’t think you need to lose anything! xoxo oh and my friend champions the saltwater cleanse in the morning before you eat anything. i haven’t tried it yet. you could also do one of those liquid diets, like no solid foods.. but.. eh.. i don’t know.
23. A couple of my friends recently went vegan raw for a while to lose weight. They lost a good 20 lbs in a couple weeks. No joke, and they were eating PLENTY. Maybe that would help honey.
24. I vote tapeworm. A friend that grows, so you don’t have to!
25. if you want the lemonade diet.. aka MAster Cleanse ..i’ll send it to you.. i did it and not did i lose 15 in ten days.. alot of healing things occured in my body.. this cleanse boost your immune ..its uneal how it works
26. A few macadamia nuts, a table spoon of sour cream a few other fats here and there, NO SUGAR, stevia is a good substitute…….once you get past day 3 you are good to go. 15 lbs in a week- easy.
27. the 3 C’s:
    cabernet (liquid diet)
    cocaine
    colonics – do these 3 and you’ll be FINE!
28. phentermine, hydroxycut, chew&spit, don’t eat anything white/ivory/ecru
29. Peanut Butter & Jelly at 2AM washed down with a chocolate banana milk shake!
30. Eat your meals and make yourself sick just after them! not healthy though.
31. the master cleanse. trust me.
32. white tic tacs…splurge every now and then and have an oragne tic tac
33. good old fashioned starvation never goes out of style. makes you a better person inside and out.
34. The tapeworm would be my first choice (if I was born 100 years ago I *totally* would have bought in to that)… otherwise you just gotta go cruise hopping ’til you catch yourself a little Norwalk… the runs will dehydrate the pounds away.
35. depending on the dress you’re trying to squeeze into if it covers your waist you can do my approach, a neoprene corsette (good luck finding one in stored though, I had to make mine myself) it holds EVERYTHING in place, doesn’t move at all and keeps you warm as hell (mine also takes 4″ off my waist) I strongly recomend it!
36. Or depending how long you have to lose the weight, lots of natural soup and no carbs for every meal.
37. Jer Ber Jones: eating hole
38. Honestly the cleanse done with water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and a little maple syrup really does work. HOWEVER, before you do it full out, you should start eating a little less a day or two before to allow your stomach to shrink so you don’t develop a strong urge to eat your she or own hand (that wouldn’t be good) But, the cleans really … Read Moreworks. Additionally, if you do feel the need to eat something more substantive, eat something like a really lean piece of chicken breast with green beans. Try to avoid heavy starches and don’t eat after 8 PM. Oh, and drink LOTS of water and cleansing tea.
39. WTF you’re trying to lose weight?
    Throwing up? Not eating? Taking drugs? (Or so I have heard). By the way, why are you asking? Do you have a super model friend?
    Just cut your calories! Calorie counting can be fun!!! Go down to like 600 a day for a week! You’ll be supprised how much you can still eat! You can still have a chicken pot pie…. and icecream…. but that’s it! Also just increase your activity! Go for a mile walk! I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks just walking and eating 1500 calories or less a day……. and some of those days I actually almost hit 2000!
40. Come on, you look fantastic and beautiful as you are! You need no quick fixes. Sooo many of us ladies would love to look like you!
41. I lost 30 pounds in 5 hours when I had my top surgery!
42. i can have my morbidly obese female friend sit on your face butt naked..the smell will make you hurl those pounds away in no time…but the smell is ungodly, i shall warn you now.
    Whenever I’ve lost drastic and unhealthy amounts of weight it’s been facilitated by stimulant abuse. That ticks the unhealthy box pretty thoroughly, I think.
43. On OutQ on Sirius Radio, there was someone hawking a book about a Martha’s Vineyard diet to lose 21 lbs in 21 days and it is supposed to cleanse you and be super nutricious! Here it is – mvdietdetox.com
44. Calpernia: Ooo so many good suggestions! I’m going to write about it…
45. Only eat vegetarians?
46. Lean Cuisine, if you can call it cuisine. It works!
47. Watch Fox News for a couple of hours str8; Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and the gang will make you puke for at least two days . So, Fox News is good for at least 10 lbs.
48. Jer Ber Jones: chinese diet tee……double up….and BEWARE 8hrs later!!!!!!

I get TONS of email… Metric tons. Thank God it’s not paper mail, or my correspondents would be responsible for the deforestation of a large chunk of rainforest. Most of it is routine work stuff, but there are lots of young trans and gay people looking for support and advice, and lots of people my age and older looking for information. Thankfully, my own trials and tribulations have taught me things to say when someone needs support, and I can refer information seekers to Andrea’s megalithic tsroadmap.com most of the time.

Occasionally, I get notes from people who are not affiliated with, or familiar with, the GLBT community at all. With these people, I’m usually starting from scratch and it can be exhausting explaining things to them. Usually, they lump the GLB and T into one homogeneous community, for which I can’t fault them too much since the lumped-together term “GLBT” is used so often by advocates. As I’ve said before, lots of anti-gay sentiment seems to spark from a discomfort with what they consider non-gender-appropriate behavior anyway — a woman acting “too butch” or a guy acting “too girly” — and that’s a problem faced by gay and trans alike. I think we fight lots of the same battles, so I’m glad to have the GLB’s as allies. Today, I got this note from Gabriela in Bulgaria, edited for relevance (~~~ means removed boring parts), emphasis mine:

Hi there,
my name is Gabriela ~~~ from Bulgaria. ~~~ Sorry for my English, it’s not the best. I want to ask you a question which is friendly. I don’t try to offence you, to argue or something. Lately I became interested in transsexual people in many reasons. Not because I want to be one of them or such things but because there are something I can’t figure out.
It’s just so interesting to me if you’re actually like everyone else on the Planet, why do you need some extra attention when you have different sexuality. Can’t you be happy in your house, job, with your friends. Why everyone who is gay, lesbian, trans and others need to show here – youtube, porno movies, work in adult clubs…I hope you understood my question and I will be glad if you answer . And again – it is friendly. See you!

Gabriela

Here’s my quickie reply, typed all in a stream of consciousness. Knowing that she is not a native English speaker, I tried to write in a way that would translate more clearly in an online translator, so the sentence structure may be a bit clunky in places. What do you think?

Hi Gabriela,
Thank you for your letter, and I apologize that I don’t speak Bulgarian. I love the Bulgarian Women’s Choir and listen to them all the time!

Most transsexual people do live quiet lives. For every trans person you see on YouTube or television, there are hundreds who live quietly.

I don’t know about porno movies and adult clubs… that is not my world or interest. But most gay, lesbian and trans people want to be free to talk about their lives and interests, just like heterosexual people are.

Heterosexual people have big ceremonies (weddings) to celebrate their marriages. They place photos of their lovers and spouses on their desks at their jobs. They sing songs on the radio about love and sex with their lovers. They kiss and sleep together and love each other in television and movies. Every day, in every way, heterosexual people scream their lives and their sexuality to each other, and to everyone in the world. And people happy with their gender role (being treated as male or female by society) have all the same freedoms to live as they want to live.

Imagine if you could never talk about how you felt inside, who you loved, your hopes and dreams. Imagine if you could not look at men, or talk to your friends about them, or be with them. Or imagine if you loved being a woman but everyone told you that you MUST behave and live like a man. Imagine if you never saw images in the media that reflected how you felt and who you loved.

Gay, lesbian and trans people have been ridiculed, mocked and attacked their entire lives for having the same feelings of love, need, desire and interest that hetero people have. Everyone has told them over and over that they are evil, sick, disgusting, crazy. With all that pressure, it doesn’t surprise me that some gay, lesbian and trans people end up in porno movies and adult clubs… where else are they welcomed? Not in hetero society.

So nowadays many gay, lesbian and trans people make an effort to tell people about their lives so that people will understand that they exist and have the same hopes and dreams. Some day, we will not NEED to say it so loudly, because it will already be understood. But for now, many people do not understand or care that we exist, so we have to make ourselves known and heard. Some of us do that in wild ways, and some of us do that in subtle ways. Just like hetero people, there are all kinds of us.

But basically, we are just human beings who want to be able to love, live and laugh without fear and punishment.

Calpernia

This is an ULTRA simplified argument, but I didn’t know how else to begin to make these points for someone who speaks a different language and has no connection with the community. What do you think?