Calpernia Addams as a Man
Over the years, among the top Google search terms related to my name is “Calpernia Addams as a Man”, so I figured I should make a blog post about it so that the morbidly curious have somewhere to land in their quest for weird knowledge.
As anyone knows who is searching for such things, I transitioned beginning back in the 1990′s after a lifelong struggle with gender identity issues.
In my information-poor youth, I assumed that I must be “gay” because of my feminine nature, empathy with girls and attraction to men, coupled with a seemingly normal body being gendered as “male”. Living in the world as a girl or a woman was as impossible as living in the world as a unicorn, or so I thought, so I didn’t allow myself to pursue that avenue of fantasy even in my most hidden thoughts.
After a stint in the Navy as a combat medic (NEC 8404), I had marshaled enough independence to begin defining my own identity more clearly. After finishing my four year obligation, I got out and it took only a year or so in the freedom of Nashville’s gay culture to discover that living as a gay male was not where my heart and soul belonged. Although I have never forgotten the welcoming embrace of the gay community, I knew that my personal truth was living authentically as a woman. Thankfully, entertainers like Cher, Bette Midler, Lady Gaga, Cindy Lauper and countless others paved the way for heterosexual women to have a symbiotic relationship with the GLBT community. It has remained a fun and supportive retreat from the overwhelming rejection and cruelty I experience from my own community of heterosexual women and men. Of course, I could just shut up about having transitioned, but that’s another blog post.
Not to say that I don’t have heterosexual supporters! I certainly do, and they are vital to me! Unfortunately, they are a small and elite band of enlightened folks who stand as the exception, rather than the rule, among the rank and file heterosexual, gender-normative communities. That makes them all the more special, though!
But “Calpernia Addams as a man”? Well, there are certainly bits of information, photos and recordings of my life pre-transition. But as I mention in my (in)famous “Bad Questions” video, when you look at those photos, you’re looking at snapshots of me in my unhappiest moments… my most awkward moments… in the moments of my greatest struggle, self doubt and self hatred. It’s pretty sick to look at me now and think, “I wish I could see her when she was less happy!”, but that’s never stopped the internet before, ha ha.
So do what you gotta do… my information is out there just like everyone else’s. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt my feelings a little when people try to break down my current happiness with that information, but in doing so they join the ranks of every other boring, awful demon I’ve met in my life. And as my history shows, I just keep marching right past them and doing my thing. See ya!
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