I’ve received emails from a very small handful of transsexual women over the years, dispatched from the deep closeted secrecy of whatever their version of stealth is, telling me that it would be better for “all of us” if I would just “keep quiet”. This isn’t the very widespread and debatable feeling of embarrassment over people identifying themselves as trans who relish being spectacles of trash television and outrageousness. With me, it’s usually more of a “sister to sister” chiding, like one old conservative church lady telling another one that she “really should reconsider that gaudy lawn ornament of the lady bending over and showing her bloomers… what will the other parishioners think?!” You know… kind of polite and sweet, yet still sticking their nose in where it doesn’t belong?

But I don’t think we’re in need of being shushed like Anne Frank about to play a game of Jenga while the Nazi’s are downstairs anymore. And I’m not even talking about being “loud and proud” in a gay pride parade. It’s the quieter daily-life things that a basically assimilated trans woman encounters all the time. For example, I refuse to make up lies about my first Sunday dress and my years as a Girl Scout when a stranger asks me about my past in order to spare them any discomfort with the facts of my history. I hate the fact that I had to transition, and would rather have been born with a female body. I don’t plan to bring it up as a conversational topic with every stranger I meet. But I will not be pressured to make up stories and lies by the Shush Brigade. I personally and internally claim my full history, including the torturous years of growing up forced into the male social role and having to transition my body to match my soul. And I still claim unqualified womanhood. How’s that for a brain twister? Trust me, in twenty years it won’t cause anyone to bat an eye.

I wrote a very short essay containing my feelings toward the Shush Brigade, which I’ve edited a little and posted below. I know that everyone will have their own feelings on this topic. Just remember, this is a response to being told how to live. I’m not telling you how to live. I’m telling you how I try to live. There’s a difference. 

To Transsexuals Who Are Ashamed of Transsexuals
Living in stealth can be comfortable, and I can’t deny that I would have tried if I hadn’t been outed so publicly in 1999. But ultimately the facts still exist that most trans women were assigned the male gender at birth, grew up being pushed toward the male social role, and had to undertake a colossally difficult transition to align their bodies and social roles with their hearts. You, Andrea, I and every other trans woman has been through some version of that process.

(Click READ MORE to read the rest of the essay… it’s not too long!)

Click HERE to Read More..

Today, someone wrote to me because they were dealing with some tough times, so I sent them a few words about how I deal with the bad moments in life. I thought I’d share the note here, as it pretty well sums up my outlook on things.

Hi ****,

It does hurt when people say cruel things about me, but I learned a kind of strength from my time in the military that lets me take a deep breath, fully acknowledge to myself that it hurts, and just keep soldiering forward anyway. Sometimes, I can even get enough perspective to laugh at just how horrible a situation is. Sometimes, things are just so mean, harsh, dead-on hurtful, disappointing, tragic, terrible, perfectly exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen that it just blows my mind and all I can do is laugh at it.

Even before the military, one time on a hot summer day in Tennessee, my little brother and I were walking along a country road and a pickup truck driving by us threw a paper cup full of melted ice right in our faces. It happened so quickly… whoosh of the truck driving by followed instantly by a slash of cold water and ice right in our faces, the truck gone before we even had a second to react. It was so perfectly mean… and there was absolutely nothing two kids walking alone could do about it as the truck was already far away over the hills… that we just looked at each other and laughed.

I still feel bad sometimes, and feel battered and bruised by things both big and small that people say and do, or even just my general situation. The military saying was, “Suck it up and drive on.” and I tell myself that pretty often. It doesn’t mean I have to pretend that the situation isn’t terrible, or that it doesn’t hurt, or that it’s even going to get any better any time soon. But nonetheless, I find myself slowly getting back up and moving forward rather than letting myself become paralyzed. And usually, once I’m up and moving (emotionally or psychologically), things actually do seem better and I can get back on track to make some positive adjustments.

I wish you all my best, and I hope this might be helpful to you. I’ve never written this out before, so if you don’t mind I’m even going to post it on my blog, but I wrote it for you specifically, I didn’t just cut and paste this into this note. Take care!

Calpernia

VideoJug: Life As A Transgender Person
http://www.videojug.com/interview/life-as-a-transgender-person-2

Several months ago, long before my notorious ”Bad Questions” video, I was contacted by popular “How To” website VideoJug to appear and speak as an expert on transsexualism. Basically, I gave my own answers to their (long) list of basic “people who don’t know anything about the topic” questions. Sort of a ”GOOD questions” video, ha ha.

I’m no scientist, but I answered their questions as best as I could. Some answers could have been a little better, but it was a long, grueling session lasting several hours, where I answered question after question non-stop. For all the hatahs who thought I was an evil bitch for chewing out askers of ”Bad Questions”, here’s the real me, and how I really answer honestly asked, respectful questions. Let me know what you think!

Calpernia as VideoJug’s Transsexual Expert - http://www.videojug.com/user/USEX0341/

UPDATED with more info! =)

This is a long post, and one I plan to simply link to from now on when this question comes up, to make things simpler. There are two big questions I am often asked by trans people with aspirations for getting into entertainment media:

1. Why don’t trans roles go to trans actors?
2. How do I get work in the media?

A lot of people have asked, “why not a trans actress?” during the press for Transamerica, Soldier’s Girl and other things I’ve worked with or on. There are lots of answers, but the top two from me are explained below.

Why not a trans actress?

1. If I had my way, there would be one trained and experienced trans actor for every non-trans man or woman called in to audition for any part, not just trans roles. The best actor would be cast. (In LA we call anyone who acts an “actor”, instead of using “actor/actress")
2. Rather than simply complain, I resolve this issue within myself by choosing to work with the situation at hand. As things stand, saying “It should have been a transwoman!” is possibly true, but realistically it doesn’t do anything… it just doesn’t, unfortunately.

What will do something in the climate we have right now to improve opportunities for trans actors?

Click HERE to Read More..

The “Bad Questions” video is a humorous portrayal of a heightened version of me… an exaggerated expression of the fatigue and hurt I feel when asked these questions in real life. I am performing in this video as a comedian, and in comedy we often express truths through exaggeration. Being an activist and an artist leaves me walking a fine line between selflessness and creative expression, and sometimes I lean more one way than the other. In real life, I have always treated questioners with kindness, even when they hurt my feelings to the very core, like kittens who dig their needle claws into you without knowing what they’re doing. You only wince and try to dislodge them with minimum damage, you never hurt them back.

But there is a nugget of truth in what I say in this video. Regardless of how curious and genuine the questioner may be, regardless of how much they feel like they need to understand my situation, that still doesn’t make these questions less hurtful when asked. That is an essential, very important point that I should type twice, it’s so important. Regardless of how good the intentions of the questioner, these questions still hurt many trans people who are asked them.

I’ve had many people respond to this video by saying things like, “I just want to know! Isn’t that a good thing?” and “Aren’t questions a good thing?” Well, yes, it’s a good thing that people want to understand, and yes, having questions is a good thing. But (1) Most of these questions can be answered on the internet and (2) this video lays out questions asked in a specific hurtful way; it doesn’t say any and all questions are “bad”. If one listens to the video, they will see right away exactly *why* I feel like the questions mentioned are “bad”. I explain why in great detail for almost each one.

It boils down to appropriateness in most cases. These are deeply personal questions, and I am often asked them by complete strangers who are obviously suppressing a shudder of thrilled revulsion even as they ask. I believe that most everyone could make a list like this… Police officers, wheelchair users, scuba divers, people with Mohawks. Most everyone gets asked “dumb” questions about something or other on a fairly regular basis, but as trans people our proportion of this goes through the stratosphere.

As I say, it’s a comedic exaggeration of my feelings, but if you listen to what I’m saying, it really does explain why I might feel the way I do for each one. In real life, as you can see in my response video, I am the soul of kindness and understanding. But I wanted to lay a little honest anger out there, too. I feel like, after a decade of these questions, I deserve that bit of release.

Calpernia