* OMG, I got my first “honors” on YouTube! My “Calpernia Dating?” Video Blog entry is currently the 7th and 44th most linked! Wow!

* Well. Where to begin…
* First of all, we didn’t win any Globes. “Soldier’s Girl” was up for three: Best Picture (TV), Best Actor (TV) and Best Supporting Actor (TV). But that’s ok… being nominated will show filmmakers that they can produce quality, realistic transgender stories and be rewarded for it in Hollywood. “Angels in America” was great, and if we had had their budget, I’m sure we’d have given them a run for their money.
* But first things first: When the car came `round to pick me up at 1pm, I was still in the shower. I had spent the morning racing around to find a slip and completely wasted two hours of valuable time, so I ended up making the chauffer wait for an hour in our driveway while I did my hair and makeup and got dressed. I didn’t feel too bad though, because he would be waiting in a driveway all day long anyway, while I was inside the Beverly Hilton hotel. I had a terrible time choosing what to wear… I had a gorgeous black dress from Patty, two dresses I had made (a white lace scoop-back and a lavender mermaid gown with cape), plus a deep pink Lilli Rubin gown positively dripping with sequins.  I can never decide until the very last minute, and as I stood there in my undies looking the choices over, I decided on… NONE OF THEM! I ran into the deep-storage closet and pulled out another hand-made gown instead: my leopard-print corset-gown with a small train and fitted, extra-cropped bolero jacket. It was a little exotic looking, a little retro-looking, but it fit like a dream and was very Jessica Rabbit. I was surpised that it zipped right up (I’m not the tiny waif I was when I made it a few years ago!)

* So I hopped into the car and we zipped out to the hotel just in time to make the 2:30 Champagne Brunch. Remembering what a mess getting into the Emmys was, I expected long delays, but I think a combination of coming early and just good organization got us right in on time. There were very few people there, so I whisked right in. I had heard earlier in the week that there was a big shortage of tickets to the Golden Globes in Hollwood, and that some agents and other Hollywood players were paying up to $20,000 for a ticket. On the ride over I looked at the ticket in my hand and thought “Mmm… $20,000...” But no! I would not miss this night for any reason. And anyway, nobody offered me $20,000 for the ticket in the first place. Mmm… $20,000...

* There were numerous velvet-rope mazes to negotiate, with masses of regular people behind them ready with cameras of all types. Paparazzi and media people were inside the ropes with me, and I got a few looks because I was so tall and strikingly dressed, but no one took my picture. Which was fine by me!
* I made my way into the gorgeous main room and saw the stage all set up with a very elegant design. Our table was right in the center line, only about three tables away from the stage! Right behind us was the teleprompter screen, so everyone on stage had to pretty much stare directly at me for the whole show! AND guess who was sitting at the Showtime table in front of us? Barbra Striesand! Like 5 feet away from me! And guess who was sitting three feet away on my right? Jennifer Garner! Ok, let me just go ahead and say this now… I saw in person most every movie and television star you can think of!
* I sat right next to Jane (Fonda), with Troy on her right, and Ron Nyswaner (the writer) on my left. Lee was right next to him. Frank was across from me. It was great! Eventually everyone got there and we all sat down and started on our delicious meal.
* I had had my first taste of Champagne 25 days ago on New Year’s Eve, which I didn’t like, so I decided I would have another half-glass just to see what really nice Champagne tasted like. It was good! I only drank about half of the half glass, though. The dinner started with an Asian salad with sushi, and then a delish steak for the main course. There were coffee cups on the table, but we never got dessert or coffee! =( boo hoo, poor me, I know, ha ha…
* Jane and I got to catch up, and everyone was excited and talking. We pretty much knew we weren’t going to win against "Angels in America," but I was just glad that we had come this far. I think that the nominations for SG will encourage other people to be brave and make films about the community that are similarly realistic and non-exploitative. It was great fun seeing the cast of Sex and the City squeeze past our table, Ellen Degeneres fidgeting across the aisle (I got to shake her hand later), Catherin Zeta Jones flitting up and down the stairs next to our table, Christina Ricci running by in her lovely gown, Charlize Theron walking by, Nicholas Cage looking intense on his way to his seat, Scarlett Johannsen picking up the hem of her nude corset gown to make it down the steps, and on and on and on…

* The show ran smoothly and quickly…
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* Well, it finally came. Tonight was the Hollywood premiere of SG. After all these years of insanity. From the beautiful days of knowing Barry, to the terrible times after they took him away. The years of uncertainty and struggle and learning and change. When I met Barry I was just a showgirl, at the top of my game in Nashville, Tennessee, but really out of my league in most areas of life off-stage. My life has changed so much since 1999. Barry has never stopped giving me gifts: compassion, acceptance, and that little extra nudge of self-confidance that has allowed me to hang on and become whoever I am now.
* The premiere was at the Motion Picture Academy, and it was sold out. Showtime was kind enough to send a black limousine to pick Andrea and me up. I wore another of my homemade dresses and simple makeup, with my hair up in a retro twist of curls again. By now I had been living this story 2 months short of four years, which is far far too long to live it in the public eye. In my heart I felt like this premiere and event was a personal commemoration of my return to normal life, away from being a woman whose image and persona were equated with tragedy. I went into it with a sort of battle-weary hope for days ahead where people would not look at me with sadness anymore, and for days where Barry was a personal memory in my heart rather than one worn on my sleeve.
* Of course I will never forget Barry, or block out the things that happened. As before, I feel this story is important, and I will continue to speak about it when necessary. I still have a few interviews this week, for example. But the big events are behind me.
* I could not watch the movie, so after the preliminary introduction, Andrea and I slipped out to wait in the downstairs reception area. There were tables and tables of fabulous, complicated desserts, so I poured a cup of black coffee and gathered a plate of a few tiny tarts that looked like doll-sized pies, complete with decoration. I ate them in silence, in the huge banquet room with mirror walls, in my evening gown and heels. Then people started to come…
* I had some nice distratcing conversation with some wonderful people from Showtime. The hour passed and then the movie let out. Throngs of men and women came down the grand staircase and before I had even thought to set down my coffee cup, I had begun talking to and comforting people in tears from the story. I had many hugs, and little old ladies gripping and squeezing my hands and speaking in heavily accented English and german. I met two beautiful African women who were a couple, and so many many other people I can’t begin to describe them all. For quite some time it was just a long line of people who needed a hug and a comforting word. I am always moved by the empathy people feel when they see the film.
* When it was all over, Andrea and I got back into the car and went out for a cup of coffee and some cooling off conversation with friends. Within an hour I couldn’t go on another moment and we whisked away home in the long black car and I fell right into bed and did not wake up for a very long time.

* Wow, the SBIFF was great. SB is a stunningly beautiful place - a bit like a park, but not in a bad way. You know I’m a night owl, and yesterday night I got up despreately hungry for a bit of candy, so there I was wandering the main street of Santa Barbara. It was dark and clean and moderately well lit, and I had the feeling I was on a closed movie set or something. Just me and some bums… Boy oh boy, if someone has to be homeless, California is the place to do it. So anyway, I wander around looking for a 7-11 and end up skipping because I have a song in my head. Skip, skip, skip, sk-D’oh! My foot catches in a deep drain on the sidewalk and I fall down. I say something dramatic like, “Ooof!” and just lay there on the brown cobblestones for a minute. It’s the middle of the night… the shiny round cobblestones stretch to the horizon in both directions, each one with a dab of reflected white streetlight smeared on top like an infinite field of iced cinnamon rolls. The pain has paralyzed me… Mmm, cinnamon rolls...
* Moments have passed in the dark. No one comes, nor do I expect them to. I get up slowly, afraid to look under my jeans leg and see the scraped place. Maybe I don’t need a candy bar after all. I hobble back to the room…
* When everything is done in SB I end up rushing more than I thought I would be, and I run out and leave BOTH MY SUITS and my dress in the hotel room closet. They were NOT cheap suits. Oh lord… well, I won’t realize this for about another week, so, for the moment I’m feeling good… the weather is lovely, the film fest was very productive, and the drive back is going to be gorgeous. Plus Andrea arrives on Monday! What could go wrong…
* In keeping with my past road-trip history, the Fates frown upon me and decide that halfway home I had some penance to perform, probably for all the mean comments I made about a certain Reykjavik-produced film the previous day. The car smells kinda funny, so I look at the panel and see that my engine is over heating. sigh. It’s always something, isn’t it?
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* Today (Monday) was the premiere of Soldiers Girl. Last night I went to a midnight screening of a film, so today Ive only had 3 hours sleep (got up at 6am), but I put on my best face, my white suit, and tried to control my nervousness. I felt kind of sick yesterday evening and this morning from nerves.
* At 6 am I met the rest of the cast and the director, Frank, in the lobby of the posh Marriott Summit Watch and we all said our hellos again and got ready to load into vans and start press for the film. I was handed several pages of scheduled interviews and looked at all the people interested in the film: ET, Extra, Premiere, CNN, AP, people from France, England… everywhere. Tons of people… so many I can’t begin to remember them, but later I will transcribe the list from my schedule. We talked and talked and they all asked questions and photographers from Premiere magazine and tons of others took our photos over and over, single and in groups. We went from place to place, talking, chatting, having good conversation. It was a long process, took all day, but we got alot of good work done. I hope the story will really get out there.
* I had about 8 minutes to change and refresh my makeup for the premiere. Literally. I had been in 4” heels all day (almost 12 hours) and was afraid I looked a mess, but I didnt have time to do much more than blot and powder and brush my hair. I changed into the now-famous black dress I made so many years ago, and put on my giant Russian military tench coat I had altered to go in at the waist and fit me nice. It had my military insignia on the lapels and made me look like a spy… kinda. =)
* There was a super long line waiting outside the theater, which was encouraging. We breezed past and into the theater, which was huge. There were several rows set aside for all the people connected with the film, with our names on the seats. I sat next to Troy’s sister on one side, and Andrea on the other. Barry’s mom and dad were there, too. They are so sweet and kind to me, we talked alot afterwards.
* The film was incredible as ever… the audience loved it, and although I get almost physically ill every time I see it, it was a wonderful film (will write more later, my time is almost up on the internet cafe computer… more to come about the after party where I meet Troy’s mom and uncle and lots of cool people)

* Today was quite eventful… Yesterday I screened the film for the first time, which was an experience in itself, and today was the first press event for the movie. It was the TCA (Television Critics Association) event. This is where the television networks (Showtime, of course, is a TV network) fly in several hundred of the foremost critics from around the country, put them up in a swanky LA hotel, and play all the new TV shows and movies on closed circuit TV in their rooms. Then all the stars, writers and directors of these shows and movies do interviews and panel Q&A sessions all day. It’s complete Hollywood…
* So Andrea & I have been preparing for everything for many months. Thanks to all that hard work, I had our lovely new business cards, our websites were up and running, and I had gone through the ideas and thoughts I wanted to get across. I had scrimped together enough money last month to get a lovely white suit and some nice shoes, got my hair cut, so on and so on. So today, when the car arrived to take me to the event, my hair was up in a slick and shiny French Twist, my white suit was immaculate, and I had everything I would need in my little purse. I was super nervous riding over in the car, but the driver talked to me and was very friendly. I don’t think my nervousness really showed, but I sure felt it.
* The hotel was big and beautiful… there were glass sculptures and great views and everything was brightly lit and elegant. They had stocked little snack setups every 25’ or so, and a line of fancy cars passed by the front door constantly, dropping off actors and industry people. Very posh. A handsome doorman opened the door of the big car for me and helped me out, and I was immediately whisked inside to get ready for everything.
* Once inside I ran into some agents and managers I knew, and met with some of the VP’s at Showtime. Everyone was running around with headsets and pads of paper, making sure their respective stars got to where they were supposed to be. I looked around for Troy, Lee or Shawn, but didn’t see them at first. One of the Showtime people took me to hair and makeup, but the girls there said I had done a good job by myself so they didn’t have much work to do. The hair girl added a few pins to my twist, and the makeup girl put some clear lipgloss on me. Everyone was bright and cheerful and nice. It all felt really good. Eric Stoltz was in there with me, getting fixed up. He looked handsome and nice, but we didn’t talk.
* I finally ran into Lee, and he got fixed up a little, too. He was (of course) in boy mode, and looked very cute and handsome. Then Shawn and Troy showed up, and finally Frank. We all talked and hugged and kissed and said hello, and then it was time to split up and do solo interviews.
* I went into a room and did an interview with Jeanne Star, a famous syndicated writer. She was very very sweet, a real old-school writer and just seemed to love me. We talked for awhile, and then it was time for the panel.
* Frank, me, Lee, Shawn and Troy all went up onto a stage in front of all the reporters and sat in super-comfortable chairs while they put microphones on us. Then behind us clips from the film played on giant TVs. Then the lights came up and everyone started asking questions.
* They asked me and Frank alot of questions… I felt like I answered pretty well, keeping everyone focused on Barry and his story and how important the movie would be to help people to understand that TS women are normal and can have normal love and lives. I told them about my website, book and the upcoming Deep Stealth projects, as well, without sounding mercenary about it. Frank and Lee answered most of the other questions, and they Asked Troy if he would ever want to work with his mom (Jane Fonda), which he hated. He always gets asked about her, which I’m sure gets old.
* Afterwards we split up again and I did interviews with Extra, TV Guide channel, Showtime, CNN and some other people… I could hardly remember them all. Each one was slightly different, and they were all polite and kind and sensitive. Each one had a personailty like their network… the CNN guy was older and serious, and I could see crawling the trenches of Iraq with him. The Extra reporter was fun and dishy. Etc etc…
* It was all over in about three hours. We all just kinda split out after that, saying “See you at Sundance!” Everything happens so fast here… and people just sort of fade in and out of things, without really hanging out alot outside of the “work”. I got back into the lovely car and was taken home with a lovely gift basket of bath products from Nieman Marcus as a thank you. And here I am… still in makeup, still kinda keyed up, but ready to get back to work!



(My hair was up before I got home! =)

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