* Well, it finally came. Tonight was the Hollywood premiere of SG. After all these years of insanity. From the beautiful days of knowing Barry, to the terrible times after they took him away. The years of uncertainty and struggle and learning and change. When I met Barry I was just a showgirl, at the top of my game in Nashville, Tennessee, but really out of my league in most areas of life off-stage. My life has changed so much since 1999. Barry has never stopped giving me gifts: compassion, acceptance, and that little extra nudge of self-confidance that has allowed me to hang on and become whoever I am now.
* The premiere was at the Motion Picture Academy, and it was sold out. Showtime was kind enough to send a black limousine to pick Andrea and me up. I wore another of my homemade dresses and simple makeup, with my hair up in a retro twist of curls again. By now I had been living this story 2 months short of four years, which is far far too long to live it in the public eye. In my heart I felt like this premiere and event was a personal commemoration of my return to normal life, away from being a woman whose image and persona were equated with tragedy. I went into it with a sort of battle-weary hope for days ahead where people would not look at me with sadness anymore, and for days where Barry was a personal memory in my heart rather than one worn on my sleeve.
* Of course I will never forget Barry, or block out the things that happened. As before, I feel this story is important, and I will continue to speak about it when necessary. I still have a few interviews this week, for example. But the big events are behind me.
* I could not watch the movie, so after the preliminary introduction, Andrea and I slipped out to wait in the downstairs reception area. There were tables and tables of fabulous, complicated desserts, so I poured a cup of black coffee and gathered a plate of a few tiny tarts that looked like doll-sized pies, complete with decoration. I ate them in silence, in the huge banquet room with mirror walls, in my evening gown and heels. Then people started to come…
* I had some nice distratcing conversation with some wonderful people from Showtime. The hour passed and then the movie let out. Throngs of men and women came down the grand staircase and before I had even thought to set down my coffee cup, I had begun talking to and comforting people in tears from the story. I had many hugs, and little old ladies gripping and squeezing my hands and speaking in heavily accented English and german. I met two beautiful African women who were a couple, and so many many other people I can’t begin to describe them all. For quite some time it was just a long line of people who needed a hug and a comforting word. I am always moved by the empathy people feel when they see the film.
* When it was all over, Andrea and I got back into the car and went out for a cup of coffee and some cooling off conversation with friends. Within an hour I couldn’t go on another moment and we whisked away home in the long black car and I fell right into bed and did not wake up for a very long time.

* Wow, the SBIFF was great. SB is a stunningly beautiful place - a bit like a park, but not in a bad way. You know I’m a night owl, and yesterday night I got up despreately hungry for a bit of candy, so there I was wandering the main street of Santa Barbara. It was dark and clean and moderately well lit, and I had the feeling I was on a closed movie set or something. Just me and some bums… Boy oh boy, if someone has to be homeless, California is the place to do it. So anyway, I wander around looking for a 7-11 and end up skipping because I have a song in my head. Skip, skip, skip, sk-D’oh! My foot catches in a deep drain on the sidewalk and I fall down. I say something dramatic like, “Ooof!” and just lay there on the brown cobblestones for a minute. It’s the middle of the night… the shiny round cobblestones stretch to the horizon in both directions, each one with a dab of reflected white streetlight smeared on top like an infinite field of iced cinnamon rolls. The pain has paralyzed me… Mmm, cinnamon rolls...
* Moments have passed in the dark. No one comes, nor do I expect them to. I get up slowly, afraid to look under my jeans leg and see the scraped place. Maybe I don’t need a candy bar after all. I hobble back to the room…
* When everything is done in SB I end up rushing more than I thought I would be, and I run out and leave BOTH MY SUITS and my dress in the hotel room closet. They were NOT cheap suits. Oh lord… well, I won’t realize this for about another week, so, for the moment I’m feeling good… the weather is lovely, the film fest was very productive, and the drive back is going to be gorgeous. Plus Andrea arrives on Monday! What could go wrong…
* In keeping with my past road-trip history, the Fates frown upon me and decide that halfway home I had some penance to perform, probably for all the mean comments I made about a certain Reykjavik-produced film the previous day. The car smells kinda funny, so I look at the panel and see that my engine is over heating. sigh. It’s always something, isn’t it?
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* Today (Monday) was the premiere of Soldiers Girl. Last night I went to a midnight screening of a film, so today Ive only had 3 hours sleep (got up at 6am), but I put on my best face, my white suit, and tried to control my nervousness. I felt kind of sick yesterday evening and this morning from nerves.
* At 6 am I met the rest of the cast and the director, Frank, in the lobby of the posh Marriott Summit Watch and we all said our hellos again and got ready to load into vans and start press for the film. I was handed several pages of scheduled interviews and looked at all the people interested in the film: ET, Extra, Premiere, CNN, AP, people from France, England… everywhere. Tons of people… so many I can’t begin to remember them, but later I will transcribe the list from my schedule. We talked and talked and they all asked questions and photographers from Premiere magazine and tons of others took our photos over and over, single and in groups. We went from place to place, talking, chatting, having good conversation. It was a long process, took all day, but we got alot of good work done. I hope the story will really get out there.
* I had about 8 minutes to change and refresh my makeup for the premiere. Literally. I had been in 4” heels all day (almost 12 hours) and was afraid I looked a mess, but I didnt have time to do much more than blot and powder and brush my hair. I changed into the now-famous black dress I made so many years ago, and put on my giant Russian military tench coat I had altered to go in at the waist and fit me nice. It had my military insignia on the lapels and made me look like a spy… kinda. =)
* There was a super long line waiting outside the theater, which was encouraging. We breezed past and into the theater, which was huge. There were several rows set aside for all the people connected with the film, with our names on the seats. I sat next to Troy’s sister on one side, and Andrea on the other. Barry’s mom and dad were there, too. They are so sweet and kind to me, we talked alot afterwards.
* The film was incredible as ever… the audience loved it, and although I get almost physically ill every time I see it, it was a wonderful film (will write more later, my time is almost up on the internet cafe computer… more to come about the after party where I meet Troy’s mom and uncle and lots of cool people)

* Today was quite eventful… Yesterday I screened the film for the first time, which was an experience in itself, and today was the first press event for the movie. It was the TCA (Television Critics Association) event. This is where the television networks (Showtime, of course, is a TV network) fly in several hundred of the foremost critics from around the country, put them up in a swanky LA hotel, and play all the new TV shows and movies on closed circuit TV in their rooms. Then all the stars, writers and directors of these shows and movies do interviews and panel Q&A sessions all day. It’s complete Hollywood…
* So Andrea & I have been preparing for everything for many months. Thanks to all that hard work, I had our lovely new business cards, our websites were up and running, and I had gone through the ideas and thoughts I wanted to get across. I had scrimped together enough money last month to get a lovely white suit and some nice shoes, got my hair cut, so on and so on. So today, when the car arrived to take me to the event, my hair was up in a slick and shiny French Twist, my white suit was immaculate, and I had everything I would need in my little purse. I was super nervous riding over in the car, but the driver talked to me and was very friendly. I don’t think my nervousness really showed, but I sure felt it.
* The hotel was big and beautiful… there were glass sculptures and great views and everything was brightly lit and elegant. They had stocked little snack setups every 25’ or so, and a line of fancy cars passed by the front door constantly, dropping off actors and industry people. Very posh. A handsome doorman opened the door of the big car for me and helped me out, and I was immediately whisked inside to get ready for everything.
* Once inside I ran into some agents and managers I knew, and met with some of the VP’s at Showtime. Everyone was running around with headsets and pads of paper, making sure their respective stars got to where they were supposed to be. I looked around for Troy, Lee or Shawn, but didn’t see them at first. One of the Showtime people took me to hair and makeup, but the girls there said I had done a good job by myself so they didn’t have much work to do. The hair girl added a few pins to my twist, and the makeup girl put some clear lipgloss on me. Everyone was bright and cheerful and nice. It all felt really good. Eric Stoltz was in there with me, getting fixed up. He looked handsome and nice, but we didn’t talk.
* I finally ran into Lee, and he got fixed up a little, too. He was (of course) in boy mode, and looked very cute and handsome. Then Shawn and Troy showed up, and finally Frank. We all talked and hugged and kissed and said hello, and then it was time to split up and do solo interviews.
* I went into a room and did an interview with Jeanne Star, a famous syndicated writer. She was very very sweet, a real old-school writer and just seemed to love me. We talked for awhile, and then it was time for the panel.
* Frank, me, Lee, Shawn and Troy all went up onto a stage in front of all the reporters and sat in super-comfortable chairs while they put microphones on us. Then behind us clips from the film played on giant TVs. Then the lights came up and everyone started asking questions.
* They asked me and Frank alot of questions… I felt like I answered pretty well, keeping everyone focused on Barry and his story and how important the movie would be to help people to understand that TS women are normal and can have normal love and lives. I told them about my website, book and the upcoming Deep Stealth projects, as well, without sounding mercenary about it. Frank and Lee answered most of the other questions, and they Asked Troy if he would ever want to work with his mom (Jane Fonda), which he hated. He always gets asked about her, which I’m sure gets old.
* Afterwards we split up again and I did interviews with Extra, TV Guide channel, Showtime, CNN and some other people… I could hardly remember them all. Each one was slightly different, and they were all polite and kind and sensitive. Each one had a personailty like their network… the CNN guy was older and serious, and I could see crawling the trenches of Iraq with him. The Extra reporter was fun and dishy. Etc etc…
* It was all over in about three hours. We all just kinda split out after that, saying “See you at Sundance!” Everything happens so fast here… and people just sort of fade in and out of things, without really hanging out alot outside of the “work”. I got back into the lovely car and was taken home with a lovely gift basket of bath products from Nieman Marcus as a thank you. And here I am… still in makeup, still kinda keyed up, but ready to get back to work!



(My hair was up before I got home! =)

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I woke up at 930am to have breakfast with one of the producers and her husband. She had wanted me to meet him before they left Toronto for the day. She told me he had heard so much about me for the last few years, he wanted to meet me too. I’m sure he had heard quite a lot, as I had been a bit difficult to get in touch with at times, so I was glad and interested to get up early and meet him. We had waffles and eggs in the hotel dining room and discussed this and that. I discovered she used to be the head of “One Life to Live”, and had discovered Ryan Phillipe by casting him in the first gay teen role on a daytime soap, a feat I had read about but never thought I’d meet its architect. And Ryan went on to marry a Nashvillian… Ahh, the meaninglessness of universal connectivity. After breakfast I returned to my room and showered again and relaxed a little. I had suggested to Troy last night as he was leaving the set that we ‘hang out’ today, to which he seemed amicable.. I had to quell my familiar thoughts that I was a major, tolerated imposition on everyone. I don’t think I was, but I had to fight that thought. I waited until 1230pm to call Troy in his room. He answered the phone sounding awake, but apparently he was still in bed and had just woken up, so he said he would get ready and call me back. I put my look together, jeans and gap t-shirt, hair up and curly, and we met in the lobby a little while later. We had the usual discussion of what should we do and ended up going to Caf’ Nervosa nearby. It seemed pretty deserted, but on the top floor patio it was packed with only one tin table jammed amongst the others open, so we went inside the 2nd floor where it was empty and got a nice table with a lovely view up against open French windows. He ordered a pizza, a margarita and coffee, and I had tiramisu and latte. I didn’t finish my dessert because it was dry, but Troy vanished his entire pizza. We talked and talked, and it was nice and comfortable. He was kind and secure and masculine, very much as I remembered Barry. We talked about the movie, and about the script. He had a lot more questions about things. When he talked about Calpernia in the script to me, he said ‘You’, as in ‘I am supposed to call you on that page in the script, but’’ I thought about how a lot of actors are very careful to say ‘my character’ and ‘your character’, and it was cute to hear him do it more personally. He said he had slept 10 hours but felt weird, like he could lay down at any moment and fall asleep. I took this as a pretty straightforward cue that he wanted to get going, but that wasn’t the case and he lit another cigarette and we relaxed a little more before leaving. I thought we were going to go back, but the weather was lovely and he said What should we do now? We just walked and passed a Ceramics museum exhibit, and we decided to go in. He bought the tickets into the mostly quiet and deserted exhibit. I watched him politely but firmly deal with the inattentive and passively scornful clerk with some amusement. We enjoyed the exhibit, talking the whole time, and left. On the way back we shopped unsuccessfully for some perfume for Lee. We then went into the Prada store, which was intimidating for me, but I tried to act smooth. I shouldn’t feel so judged all the time… My lower-middle-class upbringing, I suppose…

I eventually got back around 4pm or so. We split up to our rooms and I went back out to get a manicure to cover for the one I’d skipped to be with Troy and to pick up some cosmetic shine fighter suggested by makeup artist Stephen Lynch (who also does makeup for “Queer as Folk").

Dinner was at a lovely, very modern restaurant with lots of frosted glass and laboratory-like surfaces. Sean and his agent were already there, so Lee and I sat with them at the bar. Doro and Linda, always in control, were quite concerned with everything being just right and went to check the table while we ordered drinks. I let Lee order for me, as he seemed to be having fun helping me explore the new frontier of alcohol, and I got another Midori sour. (I had my first alcoholic drink ever a day or so earlier with Frank and the girls.) Troy and Sean stepped into a deliciously pretentious glass room at one side of the restaurant where one could be seen by everyone in the style of a zoo exhibit while smoking. They seemed to have developed a nice buddy relationship. We snacked on candied pecans and some kind of frou-frou bread and then Frank arrived, looking as I had become used to seeing him: expression hidden behind his white beard and mustache, leaving only his kindly eyes to twinkle with reigned-in power. I’m sure he knew he could have, at any time, told us to stand on our heads and we would have complied, but he didn’t seem to be that kind of person at all. He reminded me of a sort of ‘Best friend of my Dad’ type man, one who could be a bear in other situations but soft towards me.

Frank sat at the head of the table, with me at his right hand. Troy was across from me. Doro was next to me, with Sean across from her. Then Lee was next to Doro, with Sean’s agent across from her. We ordered delicious, exotic preparations of fish, beef and seafood. While we were waiting I noticed Troy looking at my eyes, so I looked back with a little humorous challenge. He didn’t blink so I settled into a vastly over confidant position of waiting and our stare contest began. ‘You’re gonna lose so bad,’ I said, and similar things. I had absolute confidence I would not let him win. The others began to notice what we were doing and Sean’s agent asked what was going on. ‘It’s a staring contest’’ Doro said, suddenly the little girl on the sidelines of a schoolyard staredown. To my complete surprise, my eyes blinked involuntarily and I conceded victory minutes before our appetizers arrived. We picked at them and since I didn’t order one I shared a little of other peoples before the food came. Lee received a bamboo steamer full of a huge variety of seafood, which would have been immensely appealing to me if I had been in another mood. Frank had a tasty fish dish and I got some kind of beef. Frank was very talkative and friendly. We had good conversation’ I was flattered to hear so much about Frank’s life and he asked me several questions, including, ‘Do you ever get nervous onstage anymore?’

‘No, not really. I just feel like I expand onstage and I just want to reach out and grab the people’’

And Troy cuts in, ‘I thought you said you still got nervous when you did your older songs’’ That was his anti-BS aura working, which was refreshing.

‘You’re right’ there are a few of my oldest songs that have a strong attachment with the nervousness I used to feel back then, and I still get that when I do them. But I go on through it.’

After dinner the talk was of finding somewhere to go have a drink and dance a little. Doro wanted everyone to see me dance, and I was overcome by a little wave of temporary shyness and tried to steer the goal away from being my dancing. We were aware that Frank was very tired and making a supreme effort to be out so late with us after working all day, so there was a lot of discussion involved in the selection of place. Eventually we ended up back at the Park Hyatt (it was across the street from Frank’s hotel) and we had drinks in the now-silent piano bar where I had done the interview before. It turned out to be nice, relaxed and private, and we all got seats on comfortable chairs and a couch around a coffee table, with a flat-screen TV on the wall playing soccer with the sound down. The entire wall opposite us was a mirror, which is always interesting. Lee ordered me a Midori Sour, which I liked pretty well. I had only the one. This was my 1st favorite part of the evening, there relaxed with Frank, Doro & Linda, Troy, Lee, Sean, and his agent. They talked a lot about young Hollywood. It was very interesting to hear but as I did not have the insider information that they had, I mostly listened. I must have looked sleepy, because Troy kept asking me what I thought and trying to include me in the conversation, which I thought was very nice. At one point Lee went to retrieve his fiddle and I was going to play something for them but my nails were grown out and we had no clippers, so I could only pluck a few powerless ukulele-style notes before giving up on that. Frank seemed to be having a great time but finally excused himself and went home to bed. I didn’t know where the evening was to go from there, but everyone seemed to want to continue on. Various ideas were suggested again, and finally we went to the bar at a hotel close by, which was supposedly usually ‘packed and hopping’ but seemed this night to be full of unattractive schlubs and an aggressive R&B band. We got a drink and tried to make do, kind of enjoying the unusual looking characters around us. I had my 2nd Midori sour. Lee and I went to the dance portion of the floor and tried to dance for a moment’ I basically just moved a little to the rhythm, nothing at all fancy. Later Troy mentioned he had now “seen me dance”, and I realized he meant this moment. I suppose he had been waiting to see my purported “legendary dancing talents”, and knowing that had been my performance was a bit killing. I like to do things up right. Oh well. When a sad love song came on, I kind of wished someone would ask me to dance but at the same time I knew I would burst into tears, so its good that no one did. After struggling through this bar for awhile Doro, Linda and Sean’s agent decided to call it a night and Lee was about to go too until he learned I was interested in going with Sean and Troy to another club they knew. The other two ladies left and we four got a cab to the club.

Sean somehow wrangled us plastic VIP cards, good for one year, which I still have as an amusing souvenir. We went upstairs after a short wait in a line and sat down to more cocktails and conversation. I felt worldly, a bit inebriated and ultracool sitting in there and watched everything with dispassionate interest.

When the club closed we wrapped up our evening and returned to our hotels. I knew this was to be my last big night and said my goodbyes to everyone. In the lobby everyone said goodbye many ways, and said thank you, and Troy said he now understood how Barry had fallen in love with me, which was very touching to me. I hugged him goodbye. I felt a little of the awkwardness with Sean had melted as well. I went up to bed.

Today they were shooting some scenes set in the barracks, at a set built inside the gymnasium of a police training camp. It was about an hour drive and the producers and I had determined the night before to meet in the lobby at around 11am to be driven to the set. I got up at around 930am and got ready, wearing some jeans and a black top. Simple. The drive was close to an hour long, and it was amusing to watch the ladies’ young Canadian assistant remain calm as they nervously questioned his navigational skills. We listened to music on the way and I finally heard Toni Childs’ ‘Dreamer’ (click & scroll down to listen) from the soundtrack (It was later removed, which made me sad). We all listened silently as we drove and I was surprised to be so moved by it. Toni Child’s voice in the song sounded damaged, as if from some great sadness, and the words about chasing dreams were tinged with irony, the way they would be when sung by someone for whom those dreams have already gone. I thought it was a perfect song for the story. After a few calls to confirm we were going the right way, and one turnaround, we made it to the set. The actor’s big RV’s were parked in a line, including the one marked ‘Calpernia’, even though Lee was not shooting today. The craft services truck was open and ready, as well as a huge trailer into which the director disappeared at different points, to work with whatever footage they had gotten, I supposed. We went inside the gymnasium and there were two sets, recreating two views inside the barracks. Quite surreal. Cords crisscrossed the floor, linking monitors and camera and sound and lights, stepped over with routine unconcern by the people on set. Some of the hair and makeup people sat in groups to the side, their work already done before I had arrived. My mind was reeling trying to connect that the things I saw laid out before me were supposed to represent my life, and Barry’s life. People I would never know had been laboring for months in a foreign country to recreate the knickknacks in my dressing room and Barry’s Army cot. I stayed against the wall next to the craft-services (food) table most of the time, nibbling on pastry and sipping black coffee, trying not to cry. I didn’t think they could see it in me, how it made me feel. But I had to be there. I would not have missed it for anything. I would have hitchhiked to Canada to see this and live the moments again one last time. In real life I never had the chance to say goodbye. Hours passed. People recreated the moments of our lives. I watched.