The inexplicable heartbreaks of home
* Well, today is my last full day in Nashville. I leave for Chicago tomorrow and then back to Los Angeles.
* I went for several years almost completely avoiding home for many reasons… this has been a place of such hurt and misery for me in some ways, but through it all I still felt a strong sense of roots and belonging. I was always proud to be from Tennessee, and so many of my daydreams were set within the boundaries of its treelined horizons, rivers and old buildings. Despite my seemingly insurmountable problems with my family, I returned again and again to dog-eared memories of childhood when things were not so bad and we were all still together. Bluegrass music still made my heart sing, and recalled my parents singing mountain gospel songs, the only sweet splinters of the hellish hours spent in the nightmarish church in which I grew up. I could ride along the roads and streets I had grown up traveling and inhale deeply of bittersweet nostalgia.
* But as time passes and I have lived away from home for a longer and longer period of time, I find my feelings changing. The nostalgia for those childhood family moments and times full of uncomplicated hope is fading into something less, eroded by the stark reality of what exists now. Some long-held dreams must be let go, and I now find myself flipping through the faded memories of a stranger here in the town where I was born.
* I’ve been lucky enough to talk with a few of my extended family members here via phone and email. Everyone is so different… me chief among them in that department, I suppose. About myself, all I can really say is that only the outside has changed. My face finally reflects the person I’d always been in my mind. Several years older than I remember her, but it happens that way, I suppose.
* The real gift I have is the close group of friends who took in my foundling nobody self back in the early 1990’s and who continue to give me uncomplicated support. I fall asleep at Chyna’s home when I’m here, full of the delicious Southern soul food we cooked over the weekend in a houseful of laughing friends. I make a reappearance on the Nashville stage in front of the shouting audience made up of the old and the new faces. The ones who tipped and applauded and loved me until I had enough self confidence to hold my back straight and look into the eyes of stangers and family who loathed me for no reason. I am infinitely grateful for the empathy of these people, who know what it’s like to watch disgust, laughter, fear and hatred bloom on the faces of their own strangers and family, no matter what they had or hadn’t done in life. I look out from the stage, out through the spotlight at their smiles and think how strange it is that each one of them understands what it feels like to be laughed at in the street by people they don’t even know, with the support of the world behind every cruel taunt. All that knowing and thought passes through my mind in an instant as I turn and dance through my moments on the stage. Pain is universal, my problems were nothing special, and I knew I could live and grow, too, if they could all be happy in the midst of their own struggles.
* But not everyone has been my friend through this journey. As some may remember, events occurred in 1999 which left me hurt more deeply than I had ever been before. The story has been told so many times that I rarely mention it anymore, but I haven’t talked much about the dark side of some reactions from within my own community. While most have been infinitely supportive, a hard few have spoken harshly of any smile I show even all these years later, preferring me locked in endless mourning. Some give cursory examination to the results of my work from the last few years and dismiss any success I have as ghoulish cannibalization of the tragedy. Some from my past have inexplicably betrayed me, hurt me in ways I didn’t expect with instruments of cruelty I never thought someone would wield.
* My last night of trust and untarnished hope began on stage as I competed in a pageant, a test of presentation and talent called Tennessee Entertainer of the Year 1999. It was to be my last pageant, because while I sweated and smiled under the winner’s crown on stage, my boyfriend was murdered in his sleep a short distance away. Life was changed forever that night, and I dedicated myself to securing justice, honoring my boyfriend’s memory and then getting myself back on track. The pageant, and my career as a showgirl, receded into the shadows and I have tried to move forward and be the best person I could since.
* Then, almost two years ago, someone sent me an email. And old friend from those days before the tragedy, who told me she had a video of that night, that pageant, and wanted to give me a copy. I was thrilled, though a wave of dread and memories washed over me when I thought of seeing it. I responded with a heartfelt thank you and waited for the video to arrive in the mail.
* It didn’t come. I wrote to her, and was reassured it was on it’s way. Time passed, more emails were exchanged, and still the video of that meaningful night never came. Where I hadn’t even thought of the video before, I now couldn’t get it out of mind, the promise of looking back in time to that night when he was still alive and I was happy. I sent ever more frantic emails, offering to send money for shipping costs, to trade services, to do anything to make it easier for her to walk out her door, place it in an envelope and mail this small thing to me.
* Despite sporadic responses assuring me that it would come, the video never arrived.
* I was so hurt… it was such a small thing to do, a thirty minute errand that would mean so much to me. Months passed, and then a year. I wrote, I called. I finally begged. I literally begged for her to send me this last little piece of my history. It seemed so cruel to tell me she had it, and then withhold it. As time passed, I began to lose faith that it was accident or lack of time. I began to feel like she had orchestrated a cruel psychological game, and I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to make me so unhappy with something so painful and close to my heart. It seemed like probably the most cruel thing anyone who knew me had ever done to me, except perhaps for the systematic rejection of my parents.
* Now, two years later, I sit here in Nashville on my last day home. My phone sits silent beside me, no answer to my days of calls to her, my offers to come to her any hour of the night or day and retrieve the video. I’ll go back to LA soon, still puzzling over why, and still incredulous as to the level of hatred that must have seethed behind her smiles all those years when we were friends. I still don’t understand. I’m jaded to the meanness of strangers. It hurts so much more that a friend would want to make me suffer.
Your IP Address is:
38.103.63.60
You never can tell when they’re thinking small and petty at you, until they hit you with it. And then all you can do is keep yourself going forward, with your faith. Good Chicago thoughts then — deep-dish, Green Mill, comedy, and the blue of the lake.
Calpernia, I am sorry that you are being put through this by a so called friend. You obviously have been through allot in your life. No one person should have to go through, what you went through. I wish you friend would just give you the tape. There could be many reasons, why you friend just won’t give you the tape.
I don’t want to get into them here because one’s mind can automatically think the worst, when one is left alone to ponder why.
Then again, my life, has been no bowl of cherries either. Family & friends are the closest people we can have in our lives. The hurt that can be imposed by theses individuals can be insurmountable.
Going what we go through, even though some girls don’t like to admit it, we tend to more than often get the negative responses from our faimly & friends and most of the time loose their support.
This is why our new friendships are so important to us. Especially because we tend to make newer friends, who are more accepting because they are just like us. It does hurt a heck of allot more, when we are betrayed by these friends because we are so honest with them & tell them things we would never feel comfortable telling our old friends or family.
You have done so much for our community. I know it may be hard, but you shouldn’t worry about what others think about how you should act or live you life. Just remember it is your life. There are always going to be critics, who tell you how you should act from birth to death.
Some individuals, just love to give advice, whether or not we want it. It is up to us to accept or deny their advice.
Their is nothing wrong with you being happy about you life now. Your going through a great time in your life. You shouldn’t feel guily because you
are still not in mourning because of what happened in 1999. Everybody likes to act like we are an expert on every subject imaginable, but we are all just taking it on a day by day basis and sometime we just get plain lucky and find the answers on our own. Usually, The answers we already know & trust.
Just live life for yourself and don’t worry about how others think you should act. I know this is easier said than done at certain times in life.
Again, I’m really sorry that this friend is reacting this way about this tape, which was made at one of the most precious moments of your life.
If, this person was a true friend, they would just give you the tape.
You have done so much for our community & live such an interesting life. Mine is so boaring, sleep, work, obsess about date, when I will finally get surgery.
I hope some of my rambling in this e-mail made you feel a bit better.
I would just love to have you & Andrea stop by the next time you are in Chicago, but I realize you have busy schedules and you are also worried because there are allot of kooks on the net. Trust me, I’ve met my fair shair of them too.
You made me weep with your post.
I am happy to know you and sad that you’ve dealt with so much pain in the past - and the not-so-distant past.
You’ve got friends everywhere who care very much about you.
* Thanks, y’all. Life goes on, and there are always good people who come along to replace the others. =)
callie,
always remember, those that point their fingers and accuse and ridicule will never hold a mirror to their own lives. you have more srength than they do because you put yourself up front and in the open while they get to be safe in the shadows and say and do all the “correct” things that is expected from them. i wish you nothing but the best.
stephanie
calpernia,
i have watch’d the DVD and Read your book countless times. it has open’d my eyes and taught me to never trust any one person to much. i won’t say i feel sorry for you cause i was taught that its not nice to feel sorry for people. however my heart goes out to you , you are a beautiful,strong, caring person who deserves nothing but the best in life. i send warm wishes and good karma your way sister.
i hate i missed you in clarksville but my father was in the hospital and i didnt get to make it. i seen your pix from dollywood too. i am about an hour east of there , its hard being TG in this area, i even changed myself for over a year and 1/2 to try and “fit” in just as a gay guy, cause i felt like i was looked at diffrent even in the community cause i was a male who lived as female.
i hope i can get my book sign’d and my pic taken with you like u said , but i miss’d the speach in clarksville. so maybe one day soon i can get a rain check. i so look up to you, as a powerful woman.
xoxox ALexis Taylor Richards
That was a very stong post and brought a tears to my eyes. I think anyone who reads the post will be made to think about why people do things in life that bring pain and misery to others! I really hope that the “old friend” is able to see what you have written and is able to feel the pain for herself and try to make a mends with you. I am not really much of a one to say really inspiring things to someone, but i would like to try, I love music and find everyday i can only listen to the songs that match my mood, songs are a lot like feelings and if i was to decicate a song to you, it would be Hero’s by either David Bowie or the wallflowers (both are excellent!) because the hero is you, by definition a hero doesn’t just do heroic acts but is someone who can continue their lives and by successful dispite the really bad things that have happened in their life, and to me that is you, you are not just my hero but a hero to a lot of others. I hope you start to feel better and you get back to writting the diary post that are filled with funny and witty remarks that make us laugh and feel happy again.
all the best,
Carrie.
Calli
My heart goes out to you. Just remember there are those of us out here who LOVE you so very much for your courage and passion. I too have dealt with some family members her in the Bible Belt too often and it can be devistating. I thank my lucky stars for my betterhalf who has supported me all the way. Keep the faith and we will be here for you when you need us.
Love ya,
Van
You must know how many people out there love you, most of whom, I suspect, you’ve never met. I’m one of the lucky ones who has. And we all share the pain of your disappointment because we love you and because your story is our story too.
Thanks for writing that. I didn’t expect such a deeply felt post, and I admire you for expressing your feelings in such an articulate and heartfelt piece. I think you are amazing and talented and deep and courageous and smart and inspriring. Keep up the great work, and I send you cheers from Vermont.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and kisses!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I just got in from therapy, so i dont wanna get to mushy ::Grins:: I’ll just say you rock =0)
Calpernia,
Not only am I concerned but extremely offended by the fact that you would talk so harshly about me in your diary. First of all you leave out the fact that I did send you a copy of part of TN EOY 99 but was unaware that it wasn’t the whole tape. Secondly, I waited for you to call me the whole time you were here, having lost your phone number I had no way of calling you. I never once got a message from you. Matter of fact I still have Dreamgirl EOY 98 and TN EOY 99 sitting on my kitchen table. I can understand your hurt if you thought I, in some way, purposely ignored you. However, in this instance this is not the case. We’ve been friends for many years. I assure you had you called I would’ve been more than happy to meet with you as we discussed many times. Matter of fact If you remember I called you back when you called while you were here the previously time you were in Nashville. All of this seems to be left out of your bash on me. I’m going to just assume that your words are just words of being upset. I can, again assure you I waited for your phone calls and never received one.
To Clarify it was National EOY 98 not Dreamgirl 98…. this diary entry really bothers me