Transsexuals Who Are Ashamed of Transsexuals (TWAATs)
I’ve received emails from a very small handful of transsexual women over the years, dispatched from the deep closeted secrecy of whatever their version of stealth is, telling me that it would be better for “all of us” if I would just “keep quiet”. This isn’t the very widespread and debatable feeling of embarrassment over people identifying themselves as trans who relish being spectacles of trash television and outrageousness. With me, it’s usually more of a “sister to sister” chiding, like one old conservative church lady telling another one that she “really should reconsider that gaudy lawn ornament of the lady bending over and showing her bloomers… what will the other parishioners think?!” You know… kind of polite and sweet, yet still sticking their nose in where it doesn’t belong?
But I don’t think we’re in need of being shushed like Anne Frank about to play a game of Jenga while the Nazi’s are downstairs anymore. And I’m not even talking about being “loud and proud” in a gay pride parade. It’s the quieter daily-life things that a basically assimilated trans woman encounters all the time. For example, I refuse to make up lies about my first Sunday dress and my years as a Girl Scout when a stranger asks me about my past in order to spare them any discomfort with the facts of my history. I hate the fact that I had to transition, and would rather have been born with a female body. I don’t plan to bring it up as a conversational topic with every stranger I meet. But I will not be pressured to make up stories and lies by the Shush Brigade. I personally and internally claim my full history, including the torturous years of growing up forced into the male social role and having to transition my body to match my soul. And I still claim unqualified womanhood. How’s that for a brain twister? Trust me, in twenty years it won’t cause anyone to bat an eye.
I wrote a very short essay containing my feelings toward the Shush Brigade, which I’ve edited a little and posted below. I know that everyone will have their own feelings on this topic. Just remember, this is a response to being told how to live. I’m not telling you how to live. I’m telling you how I try to live. There’s a difference.
To Transsexuals Who Are Ashamed of Transsexuals
Living in stealth can be comfortable, and I can’t deny that I would have tried if I hadn’t been outed so publicly in 1999. But ultimately the facts still exist that most trans women were assigned the male gender at birth, grew up being pushed toward the male social role, and had to undertake a colossally difficult transition to align their bodies and social roles with their hearts. You, Andrea, I and every other trans woman has been through some version of that process.
(Click READ MORE to read the rest of the essay… it’s not too long!)
I am simply living my life with an openness about my history. While my soul has always been female, it is simply a lie to say that I did not have to go through some major struggles to attain the physical body and social situation of a woman. I’m just tired of lying about my history. I do not feel that saying “I am a woman” is a lie. But saying or implying that “I never transitioned. I have always lived in the female social role, in a female body” is a lie to me. You may somehow feel differently, but this is how I feel.
I’m not thrilled about having had to transition. I still feel hurt when people use my old name or photos to chip away at this true version of myself that you see now, finally achieved after so many years of struggle. I never plan to revel in the more hurtful details of my history wherein I struggled within the constraints of living in the wrong body and social role. But I won’t build my life around a lie that says those moments never happened.
I offer the radical idea that I can be both honest about my past and still claim full womanhood. In the minds of many older trans people and conservatives, a history of transition disproves their womanhood so they lie about this history to everyone in their lives. Sometimes even to themselves. “I’m not trans- anything.” Rejecting labels is understandable. Claiming unqualified womanhood is understandable. But you grew up for some part of your life forced into the male social role. You underwent medical, legal and social transition steps. This doesn’t mean you’re not female, but it is a fact of your history.
And to the smaller set of self-diagnosis fans, unless you’ve been genetically tested, or reliably diagnosed by a doctor, you are probably not intersexed. I’ve seen so many of these Shush Brigade members insult real intersex people by reading a page or two on Klinefelter Syndrome, circling “overweight” and “short attention span” on the symptoms list and suddenly self diagnosing themselves as “intersex”, and thus even further away from the hated label of “transsexual”. This is pathetic, and an insult to people really dealing with IS issues. Get a reliable diagnosis if you really think this is the case, otherwise… save it.
Some conservative gays say they don’t mind other gays as long as they are “quiet” about who they date, what they think and what they feel. “Why can’t you just keep your private life private?” they say. At the same time, heterosexual people freely place photos of their boyfriends and spouses on their desk at work, discuss dating with friends openly and perform their socio-sexual rituals such as dating and marriage with much pomp and circumstance. Similar sentiments come from some transsexuals who are ashamed of transsexuals (TWAATs, for short), usually the old guard who had to transition in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. “Why can’t you just be quiet, why can’t you just lie about your history?” That’s just not my thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that if you don’t get this at all, and you’re over 30, you never will and we should just agree to disagree right now. If you don’t like what my visibility is doing for (or “to”) the community, but you won’t leave the safety of invisibility to counter it, then I guess you’re just out of luck.
I do enjoy being able to walk down the street without being called names, and being able to flirt with a handsome man at a party without dealing with the prejudices that usually come from him knowing I’m trans. I don’t wear it like a tattoo on my forehead. But if that handsome guy asks what I do, I will find a way to tactfully explain to him as much as he needs to know, with consideration of how closely we might interact in the future. If Mr. I’ve-just-met-you says, “You must’ve been a very cute little girl.” I will probably reply something along the lines of, “Well, I certainly wanted to be.”
I am an entertainer. I have always been an entertainer. There are plenty of women like me: Bette Midler, Cher, Madonna, Mae West, Barbara Eden, Bernadette Peters… the list goes on. Those women are strongly associated with drag queens (the ultimate anaethema to TWAATs) because of their combination of overt femininity and entertainer’s spirit. If I were a gay man with those qualities, I would be a drag queen. Because I am a woman with those qualities, some TWAATs would use that as a sign that I was less of a woman and more of a drag queen. Obviously, I disagree and say that I simply share the qualities that also drive women like Madonna and Bette Midler and Cassandra Peterson and others.
I wish everyone the best in their choices of stealth or varying degrees of openness. But if people like Andrea and I don’t work to make the general public more comfortable with transsexuals, people like you will face losing your job, your legal rights, your spouse, your access to medical care and maybe even violence from phobic idiots if you ever slip up even the tiniest bit one single time and out yourselves.
Being out is not for everyone, but remember that it was at one time illegal for someone who was legally male to even wear female clothing in public. Your identification papers were quietly changed to say female because out trans women were willing to fight that legal battle years ago. You can quietly get hormones and surgery from legitimate doctors because out trans women fought for that right years ago. Your neighbor is probably not going to assume you are a child molesting Satanist if you ever were outed because women like me were willing to go on television and show a likeable girl-next-door image.
I’m not advocating that every transsexual person be out about their history. It’s a colossally individual choice, and one that was made for me years ago so I’ve never had the luxury of considering it. Living in stealth allows you to avoid most of the stupid, ignorant prejudices that stupid, ignorant people still carry around, and that’s a wonderful freedom. But never forget who walks the line and maintains the integrity of the medical, legal and social safety wall that surrounds your Shangri-la of comfortable privacy. Your bubble may pop someday, and it will be our work that means the difference between some social embarrassment vs. complete ruin for you when that happens.
Feel free to share this note with your friend, or anyone with similar questions. It’s an important idea to get out there to those women who live comfortably in the stealth bought with years of risk and battle by women who were not so comfortable.
here’s a random question from a non transsexual person (or transvestite for that matter only because I won’t have sex in my outfits because i’m trying to go green and dry cleaning fucks that up).
First gorgeous-if you knew you were not going to be as attractive as you are, would you still have transitioned? like even if you knew you’d never be passable?
Brava! Brava! This is a wonderful, straightforward piece of writing. I delayed transitioning while working as a police officer in Richardson, Texas (a suburb of Dallas) until late 2000 and 19 years into my career because I firmly believed that I would lose my job as soon as I outed myself. Instead, my chief’s firm statement to me was, “We’re going to make this work.” We did. However, even after I reluctantly allowed myself to be interviewed by the local FOX affiliate, the public reaction was almost non-existent but uniformly positive.
Some of that had to do with me and the support I received from the city government. However, some of that no doubt had to do with the fact that there are transwomen who are out there showing that we are no longer content to be seen as sideshow attractions. We are no longer willing to accept a few grudgingly offered crumbs of acceptance so long as we know our place on the fringes of society. There is a great deal of progress to be made, but I am very proud of the fact that strong transwomen such as yourself and Andrea are part of our making that progress. This essay is part of that progress. Thank you.
That’s a great question, Willam. We’ve discussed this at length before, among the girls. There are lots of people who wouldn’t have done the full medical, social and legal transition unless they were fairly certain they could “pass” and blend in once they were done. If I had been 110% absolutely certain that I would have been perceived as a straight-up DUDE no matter what I did after transition, I would probably have just killed myself.
Because I, personally, was so unhappy living as a boy that I would have either (a) killed myself or (b) transitioned and hope for the best. Since (a) was so extreme, I decided I’d try (b) first and go from there. Luckily for me, I blend in decently well most of the time, so I scraped by.
** ADDED: That’s where my head was at when I was 22. Nowadays, I get “read” all the time because of my media career or just because I’m bigger than average and unusual looking, and I am still glad I transitioned. I don’t want to minimize the pain of being rejected and not blending in. It SUPER sucks. But life is still good most of the time, and the good outweighs the bad.
There are some girls who don’t care how people see them, it only matters what they get when they look in the mirror. And that’s cool. As I said, I’m fairly lucky to have wanted something a bit unrealistic (to pass all the time) and to have achieved even a modicum of imperfect success.
Hi Calpernia! I left this comment on your bob on Myspace but I just wanted to annoy you and put it here as well
Here are my comments (for your entertainment):
”
Why I will stay out
I just read a very inspiring and thought-provoking blog by Calpernia Adams (a prominent transwoman, actress, and trans-activist) entitled Transsexuals who are ashamed of Transsexuals.
Her commentary in her blog echoes my own feelings on the subject. I felt so strongly about what she wrote that I commented on her blog. Here are my comments:
“OMG!! You so eloquently have stated just what I have been telling people about my own thoughts on the subject.
I realize that there are transpeople who cannot be open due to the repercussions to their families, themselves, their career etc. (I live in Utah and many transpeople are from the Mormon/LDS background). I however CAN be out and am committed to stay that way.My reasoning is based on both (1) my personal faith in my personal belief system (definitely not Mormon) and (2) a concept that Kate Kendall introduced to me when she spoke at a fundraiser here in Salt Lake last summer (she was more generally speaking of gays: Every conversation we have with someone,every one of those difficult conversations we have paves the way to make it easier for the next person to come out (or to come out and transition in our case). Every one of those conversations has an effect on the whole of public perception and understanding of LGBT community (and in our case specifically with the transgender phenomenon).
I tell people that , while I don’t go around with a “T” on my chest, if I am in a situation where my past comes up or even if someone assumes that I am volunteering for the LGBT community because I am a Lesbian (or Bi), I let them know that I am a transwoman. Also I tell them that while I don’t broadcast my transgender-ness, I have no problem talking to TV reporters, other media people, or our state & local legislators. THIS is how we will change the world, one heart at a time (to use an over-used but appropo cliche).
So 2 times a million Kudos to ya Calpernia! …”
Write me back. A penny (or kudo) for your thoughts
Love you all!
Joni”
I also want to just say “thanks” with a big virtual hug. It is because of you and Andrea and the thousands of other transwomen (and transmen) all over who have paved the way for people like me to have such an overwhelmingly positive and uneventful transition (even in Utah). Many transactivists have said (as have other people in the LGBT movement) that those of us transitioning (or coming out) today are doing so on the backs of all of the the transactivists who came before. The image I see when I hear that is like the human pyramids where one person is standing on the shoulders of others who are on the shoulders of others. In fact the pyramid of the transactivism is an inverted pyramid. The many are benefiting from the work of a smaller number hardworking transwomen who came before.
Anyway thank you and good night! I am SO late for bed.
Ah…to stealth or not to stealth that is the question.
Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?
Personally, I think it’s a matter of choice whether or not to be public or private about one’s gender status or history.
But I don’t think the issue is THAT black and white.
For example, one may be out as trans to their mother, but not out to their mechanic. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
I don’t see anything wrong people who lie about thier past, because their motivations are usually ones of self preservation in a hostile environment.
There are of course, people who believe lying is morally wrong. Well then, just refuse to answer such questions or bring up your past.
Transitioning is a difficult thing and people have different ways of coping with it. Hell, life itself is a difficult thing for everyone on the planet!
Sealth mode (usually of varying degrees) is prefered by some transpeople over being ‘loud and proud.’
I really don’t think that one mode is easier or morally better than another. Both have their relative pitfalls and benefits.
I admire the choice you have made, Calpernia, because you are able to be openly proud of who you are and stand up to bullies who try to tear you down.
And seem to have a pretty goodtime doing it I might ad!!! Rock on, I say!
Because you are in the public eye, Calpernia, you are seen as an example by the lay-public of what a transsexual is all about. I’m glad to see that you are using your position for education and changing damaging stereotypes. (Being a good example to counteract the plethora of bad ones out there.) You do have a great deal of courage for being vulnerable to the eyes of the world.
But…I do think it takes equal courage for anyone who has begun to physically transition into their desired gender. It’s very hard to hide that fact from others in most cases.
Someone who has suffered in silence or with the whole world watching has still suffered nonetheless.
Bravo Callie, and I like your response to William. To pass or not to pass, that seems to be the question. Extreme height is a deal breaker to that question. At 6’8” I live with it, avoiding such discussions, yet I know I pass only about 50% of the time, which is virtually the same as not passing at all to those that question my gender, and ask others for clarification. Taller newbies call me with questions: “How do you deal with it?” I have a cheerleader out there somewhere that thinks I’m doing great. Its not a perfect life and I wish I could change my height every day. That is my cross to bear.
Are we creating a binary that says passability is life and not being passable is permission to kill ourselves? What is the messaging in this? The internet information exchange is also having a major draw back to those trans-youth that don’t have parental support, and must either run away from home or wait knowing that 18 may be too late? What would you say to this?
I resonated deeply to this post. Well done, well done.
Hey Calpernia,
Thanks (again) for your honesty and clarity expressing something so important. When I give my sermon (I’m a minister, so yes, a real sermon) about my story, I try to express something similar. You can read the whole thing on my blog (there’s a “my story/mi historia” tab at the top of the page) but I thought I’d excerpt the relevant part here:
“The most difficult part of that decision, aside from dealing with all the feelings it evoked in the people I loved, was the sense that I had to choose male or female. I had spent thirty years as a woman, six of them as a mother, and now I felt I was supposed to deny all of that and live as another kind of creature–a man. All or nothing. The little box marked “F” or the one marked “M.”
My life does not fit those boxes. My gender is not that simple. As hard as I have tried to choose one over the other, what is true for me is that I have been both. It is more comfortable and more authentic for me to move through the world as a man. In my deepest knowing of myself, a male face, a male body, and a male identity feel true. When I think of myself or describe myself, it is as a man.
I cannot choose one side of myself over the other. To choose would be to willingly let some part of myself wither and die. To deny that I live in a body that was born female, and that I lived as a woman for thirty years would be just as painful as it was living in denial of my knowledge of myself as a man.
In the process of figuring this out I called on a lot of resources. I learned a lot about transgender history. I learned that in the past, one couldn’t get through the medical system’s scrutiny unless he or she created something called a “plausible history.” A plausible history for me would have been a story I created about my life as a little boy, a teen, and a young man. In short, it would have been a lie. But I didn’t do this to live a lie! I did this to tell the truth about who I am.”
People seem to understand that. They have no problem understanding that though I am a man, I came to manhood through transgender experience. For me, it is a matter of integrity to be honest about both.
Love you, Calpernia!
Lily, I agree, and there are definitely levels of stealth. I sometimes describe my life as “functional stealth”, meaning that I’m open about my past but in general situations among people who are not part of my circle of friends and associates I blend in and do not bring up trans issues unless the issue is forced.
Erika, you’re right that promoting a “pass/don’t pass = live/die” philosophy isn’t a good idea for a million different reasons. That’s where my head was at when I was 22 and a depressed, closeted, isolated kid. Nowadays, my feelings have matured. I get “read” all the time because of my media exposure or just the fact that I’m bigger overall than the average girl and somewhat exotic looking — and I have no desire to do anything but live these days.
Thank you so much for this message, Calpernia. Very important, and someone had to eloquently say it.
Definitely agreed on heterosexuals flaunting their sexuality everywhere!
I’ve copy-pasted it into my own blog so that even more people will read it. (Of course, a link is placed back here.)
Thanks again.
Thank you, Ms. Addams, for this wonderful piece of writing. You have ably articulated a concern which I have had with some of the other tranzpeople in my circle of friends for some time. Indeed, the extent and nature of how far “out” each of us are is entirely a matter of personal choice (influenced heavily by circumstances), and no other person has the right to chide another for their degree of openness. I feel that your stature in the transsexual community, to the extent that it exists, and the respect which you are accorded, can do so much to advance the position of tolerance you have articulated, and lay to rest the “trannier than thou crowd” that perpetually lurks in the wings.
Callie,
I couldn’t agree more with you and some of the others who have commented here, especially Rev. Sean. I didn’t go through all I have experienced to learn who I am and be true to myself to turn around and begin to hide any part of that, including my 50+ years living as a man. My goal has always been to live with integrity, which means accepting all that I am.
A while back, I wrote a post on my own blog about being trans and proud and the changes in my own feelings about people knowing that I am trans. I still feel fear about people knowing that I am trans but will never allow that fear to stop me from being true to myself. If you’d like to read my thoughts, including the thoughts of my other friend Callie on this subject, you can find it here: http://arizonaabby.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/trans-and-proud/.
Tthanks for being who you are and all that you do for me and the countless others who simply want the right to live as who we are.
Blessings,
Abby
The worst thing about transsexuals is the “One True Path” syndrome. Please, girls and boys, leave that kind of thinking to the bigot set.
Hello Callie, Ive been posting messages on youtube, saying how great your videos are! what will your next video show? I seen stunning! that was great! Do you model? well you look like uma thurman and Drew barrymoore, lucky you! do you like art? let me know because i was dying to ask you these questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been under the weather this weekend which lead me to read just about all your posting and looking at all your vids and diary. I am impressed. I am a pre op TS who has decided to remain pre op because of many reasons. too many to go into right now. Anyways, here in Ontario the pre to post transition psych professions have advocated the post op to shed their friendships from the pre ops, to treat us like lepers. I have always resented that because all the pre ops would truly benefit from friendship and mentoring of the post ops especially the post ops with years of experience. But the psychs have been adamant and the community has been split. The whole idea of stealth interests me. Mainly because ther are many TS who can never be stealth due to their pyhsicality. Being 5′11″ 210# for the last decades I know that having done a mad diet once I got down to 185# and even then my rib cage was 38″ and waist 33″. I was a size 18 and had none of the soft curves I have at 210#, which is a 44B-37-48 figure, a size 18-20 depending on the cut. I live about 50/50 f/m due to many pressures and expectations. I know there are limits and I have learned to deal with them. Basically I did not want to dump my income and let my family down. two daughters in University etc. So i live my life as ONE PERSON, I live in Both genders in One world, I interchange between clothing with the idea of comfort of one’s own thoughts and acceptance. I challenged the world to accept me. It was tough.Really Tough! After making a personal commitment to live openly as ME I found the world actually liked ME, however I presented myself. I am honest to myself and to others. In fact I have great acceptance of ME regardless of my presentation as male or female. I generally take that as being no different than a woman who decides to wear jean on day and a silk dress the next, or a man who changes from a Brioni suit(007’s Fave) to jeans from day to day.
There is some disadvantage, like the local X-dresser, pre-op ts support group I help found and grow has become, to me, limiting. I criticize them for keeping to themselves and defining a closet boundary of several restaurants and stores, period. I have no boundaries in my life and the people I deal with professionally have become familiar to deal with ME regardless of my presentation.
I have been instrumental in many ways in doing community outreach by my personal example. By presenting myself well in either gender role I have shown thousands of people that I am not a freak, I am accepted as being an eccentric, normal person. I have gained celebrity in many places just because I am ME. The use of”I” may make me seem egotistical, but I am not. “I” is a necessary word to express my experience.
My decision to be ME took a lot f thinking, and preparation, I always dress age and context appropriate. I dress in the Best Clothes I can afford. Right to the limit of affordability, maybe a bit beyond to be truthful. My makeup is professional, my voice is changes by training, my mannerisms are appropriate. I do not change ME only my presentation. This allowed the world to accept ME however I was dressed.
I wrote this as a quick response, no preparation. I hope I have communicated some coherent concept that a person can be accepted without the need to be stealth. The danger of stealth is the hiding and the “beingfoundout” (oneword). It is a concept that some will attain but many will never do successfully. I am am immigrant to Ontario, from the USA. I still have a “twang” on some words and the reaction of being found out as an American is still occurring after three decades. Canadians are able to ferret me out on the basis of a couple of words, they are so proud to do that! I know stealth is difficult and even after all that work some SOB will want to out you, like some prize trophy! I guess I just take the wind out of their sails by being out at all times.