Question: Why Don’t Transsexuals Tell Beforehand?
I get many thousands of emails, Facebook mails, MySpace messages, Tweets and YouTube messages every year, and I actually write back to as many as I can. Occasionally, if someone asks a fairly universal question and I have the time, I will post my reply here, fully anonymized.
Today’s question is potentially annoying to transwomen because it projects the idea onto us that we are not “real” or “women”, but from the tone of the larger note I could tell that this was a younger questioner with honest intentions:
I like transsexual women and would like to find one to date. Why do ts women on MySpace and other websites list themselves as “women” rather than “transsexuals”, when that makes it harder for men who like them to find them?
My Response:
It’s a complicated situation, XXXXX… Most all transsexual women make the change because they want to be *women*, not because they want to be *transsexuals*, so they claim the identity they’re aiming for (woman) instead of claiming the identity that describes their difficult journey from male to female (transsexual).
At the same time, if they’re pre-op or non-op they have bodies that are surprising to men who aren’t expecting anything different, so it’s wise to reveal their status to any man they’re about to get intimate with. The key thing to remember in this case is this: having genitals that are different from the expected is really only important when a girl is about to get intimate with someone, whether it’s a lover or just an intimate situation like being in the showers at the gym with other girls. If a trans woman is not planning on those situations, she really doesn’t *need* to say anything about her genitals or make any distinctions at all, unless she wants to for political reasons.
If a trans woman has chosen to have vaginoplasty (a “sex change”), then she may want to identify as a woman completely and not disclose her history to anyone. This is called living in “stealth”. But even after vaginoplasty, many trans women prefer to talk about their history with lovers, boyfriends and their closest friends so that they can comfortably talk about their past (childhood memories, funny experiences with friends, difficult times during the transition process) without having to edit or fabricate.
As far as finding trans women to date… it can be very difficult, because the trans women who want to stay hidden will stay hidden, and only those who are the most comfortable with themselves or those who want to make a statement about their transition will put themselves out there. Websites like http://www.craigslist.org can be filled with fakes and sexworker ads, but you may also find some relationship-minded girls there in the non-sexwork sections. There are other sites out there like http://www.tsgirlfriend.com but I can’t vouch for any of them in terms of being a good resource or a dead end because I haven’t spent a lot of time looking at any of them.
Best wishes to you!
Calpernia
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about 2 years ago
The idea that a pre-or post-op transsexual would reveal the truth about themselves to someone for political reasons kinda make me cringe. I’m not your enemy. I would rather believe that she confided in me because I earned her trust. And rather than call me an admirer, I prefer to think of myself as just a better informed heterosexual guy. I’m attracted only to women, but my definition of a woman doesn’t exclude a “fully trans-itioned woman”, i.e. a post-op transsexual. Why? Why not. Some of the most beautiful women in the world today were born male and have had sex change operations including Caroline “Tula” Cossey (U.K.), Jahna Steele (R.I.P.), Roberta Close (Brazil), and Candis Cayne (USA) and numerous others. I’m not gay, bi or curious. I don’t like the bar scene and I’ve never called or have knowing been with an escort, nor am I looking to experiment. And my only concern about pre-op transexuals is that she really be what she claims to be, and not be a confused, uncertain, self-diagnosed drag queen or transvestite in need of serious professional help to determine her true gender identity. There are now lots of dating sites where you supposedly can contact pre-and post-op transsexuals, but all of them look rather dubious at best unless you have seen her elsewhere and if you really want to spend the money. You’re just as likely to encounter a transsexual at a shopping mall or grocery store as you are at some place of notoriety you might come to regret later. The best thing is be just well informed rather than ignorant on the issue so that if and when the circumstances arise and this new girlfriend you’ve been seeing informs you she was born male at least you’ll have a fair understanding of who she is, and listen to what’s she’s all about.
about 2 years ago
I don’t imagine that a trans woman would bring up her history for political reasons in a dating scenario… I meant that many trans women are open about their history for political reasons to varying degrees in their general daily life, and that openness would spill over into dating scenarios. Like me for example… I am open about my transition for political reasons, and because it’s too exhausting to concoct stories that cover my history just to make other people more comfortable around me. Because of that, any man who dated me would probably know up front that I have transitioned.
about 2 years ago
i think a very simple answer to the question “Why do ts women on MySpace and other websites list themselves as “women†rather than “transsexualsâ€Â?”
is simply that myspace/facebook/etc. dont have transsexual as an option for your gender. male or female are the only decriptive words they allow.
about 2 years ago
Very true!
about 1 year ago
i have been post op over 25 years and identify as female, transsexual means in transition, why would you always announce to men your a sex change? i also have been intimate and no man has ever aked me where did i buy my vagina? i guess my surgery came out well, and is realistic to most men? i have loved every minute of being female and done with transition years a go. if i was to get into a relationship i would tell before getting deeply involved. it halts the man getting to know the real you, and once a man gets to know and be with you, it surpasses all his stereotypes. in other words pass the "stigma" of a sex change, that your human and for real, and not threaten his manhood, just my two cents from experience and being stealth:) It also helps to look feminine and pass and be yourself:) kimberly
about 1 year ago
I think anyone who wants to try stealth should go for it. I just got bored and annoyed with dealing with all the issues and fallout from when people discovered my past (as they always seemed to do, if they were curious) so I just put the basics out there and weed out the people who can't deal. At this point, I'd rather weed them out early than fall in love with someone or start a great friendship, only to find out later that they can't deal with my history.
Everyone should do it their own way, and I say more power to them!
about 2 years ago
I certainly don’t believe anyone is obligated to announce their gender identity, but the idea of stealthing has always bothered me. It seems to evoke a sense of shame of being a transsexual and would only serve to reinforce the stereotype that all transsexuals are ashamed when really there is nothing to be ashamed about.
I am proud to be a transsexual, not because of a rebellious streak against the gender binary, but because of acceptance. To me, transsexuality is not about a pursuit of a fantasy, but an embrace of a reality. I may not have chose to be a transsexual, but the discord of my body and spirit is an identity I will carry forever beyond any surgical changes I make, and I accept this with glorious pride.
The trans community cannot afford to have it’s members retreat into the obscurity of the gender binary system, one that our very presence should defy. To fall back is to give in and submit to the very system that oppress us. Our visibility is the signal that other potential genderqueers so desperately need to muster the courage they need to join the cause.
I certainly have no right to “draft” people into this fight. Sometimes people just want to live their life, and I am no position to judge. But my dream is for people to one day be proud of transsexualism, not have to stealth, and jump to the chance to shout with a megaphone to everyone that they have “enlisted” themselves into this wonderful movement in progressing gender liberties.
It’s just my opinion.
about 2 years ago
Not to mention, “transsexual” isn’t an option when choosing your gender on myspace, facebook, etc. There are only options to list yourself as Male or Female.
about 2 years ago
True, it might be interesting if Facebook/MySpace and other sites had options other than just M/F. Personally, I admit that I am old fashioned and like the gender binary… I’m willingly playing into it by transitioning, rather than being “gender queer” or some other gender expression. So I’m happy to choose “F” or “Female” as my option.
about 2 years ago
I’ve two closely related points that I’d like to offer for the discussion, so I’ll offer them together.
While political discourse serves the “communities” well, there is no place for individual life and experience in political language such as “binary gender system,” “society,” and “this fight.” People are combination of objective biological systems and vague, mercurial emotional impulses, and are not reducible to these brutal terms.
While male-to-female transsexuals may think of themselves only as women, the difference between a woman born and a woman transitioned (or in transition) is objective, and people around them react to that difference, often consciously, usually subconsciously, and also instinctively. Arguments over what constitutes a “real woman” are, by contrast, a social artifact arising from human reactions, with no bearing on the underlying biological fact.
The difference is not always a problem, and the sense of the difference can be well received, as your young questioner demonstrated. Some people find it easier to communicate with transsexuals than with those born and raised in their sex, and there are men who are clearly heterosexual, and often very politically and morally conservative, who find transsexual women more physically attractive, and more intellectually and emotional mature, than other women. Some of these men do not even recognize this in themselves, and are deeply surprised by their first relationship with a transitioning woman.
The common reaction from transsexuals, relying on the false conviction that to be thought of as different from a born female is to be thought other than female, is that such men are fetishists who have sought them as objects rather than people. Perhaps your young questioner, or men like him, will be silently branded with this for the duration of their lives, and this young man may find that the people he finds most attractive and compatible will shun him. Perhaps some of the women who shun him will find their own lives lonelier, and themselves further separated from our society, as a result of their own prejudice.
This young man did not invite further discussion, in your quotation, of what constitutes “real†or “a womanâ€Â; he announced his position by referring to “transsexual women.” The pain and separation that many women will feel from this sort of man is often not the result of being seen as a freak, but of seeing a freak where he sees a surprising, rather frightening, and very beautiful woman.
I hope that young transsexual men and women will remember the distinction between the cold violence of political language and the mysterious nature of human character when love comes calling. In this life, we are given only a precious few chances to be happy.
– Nimetön
about 2 years ago
A good website is :
http://www.transgenderdate.com
about 1 year ago
to me i find calpernia a paradox–she is angering me(to much tr@^^Y{hate this word} bashing or inside community bashing)…errr.
about 1 year ago
I enjoyed everybodies point of view and I feel that I learn a little everrytime I read here, thanks