Calpernia Addams Diary

Probably the best I’ve ever looked in my life. Thank you, television!

Well well… like a kid with a book report due, I’ve put off writing this episode recap for quite some time now. I blame most of it on the fact that I exhaust easily, so I’ve needed a lot of time to recover from the back-to-back Ohio, London and New Orleans trips.

From a phone call received while walking in the bright Summer sun of 2007 to the emotional roller coaster of shooting in that Fall, to the fun of airing it on Logo in early 2008, here we are, the season finale of Transamerican Love Story! Click “Read More” below for the full writeup with LOTS of pix, thanks to my iTunes subscription to Transamerican Love Story!

As you may have heard, I ended up keeping all three guys at the start of this episode: Jim, Shawn and Mike. As I’ve said before, there is so much that goes on behind the scenes that is unknown to viewers, the guys and even me sometimes. Suffice it to say that this seemed like the decision to make at the moment, but the guys took it less well than I’d hoped they would, and of course Andrea let me have it, asking if I was just keeping Jim around because he was trans. I tried to assure her that I was not keeping him there “just because he was trans”, but I don’t think she was convinced. Why did I keep Jim? Well, basically because I liked him and it was my show and it was the last episode, so to quote Eric Cartman, “I do what I want! I do what I want!”


Uh oh… a preview portends a reappearance of the unflattering cry-face. Sigh… why can’t I cry “cute” like Renée Zellweger?


So we’re down to three, starting with Jim. Jim has been a gentleman and an honest, open hearted guy through the whole show. Up for anything, always smiling (for me, at least!) and just generally cool. If I weren’t a soulless man-eating bitch, I would have been able to have a lovely relationship with Jim… Well, maybe I’m being too hard on myself, ha ha, but it’s all true about Jim.


Shawn has stayed true to his convictions throughout the show, never compromising his personal standards of conduct. He was probably the least “up for anything” type of all the guys, which was charming at times and consternating at others, but definitely something I could respect. Plus he’s tall and plays the guitar, and has a cute smile. I would need to decide this episode whether we’d be butting heads all the time once the glow of first meeting had faded, though.


Mike has been pretty adorable throughout. I had no say in these things, but I think Mike and I had some of the nicest date locations: Vegas and the hilltop picnic were pretty hard to beat. My main worry with Mike was our big age difference (although I can launch a “cougar attack” with the best of `em!) and the difference in our levels of life experience. I would need to decide this episode whether we should try to overcome those things toward forging a relationship, or not.


And there was still the issue of Mike’s pants…


Another good example of the things I never saw or knew about… the guys ragged on each other pretty hard when I wasn’t around, like in this limo ride to Le Parc Suites. This is why I could never be a contestant on a dating show. I hate arguing, and I don’t deal well with people harassing me. I either tune them out completely, or go beserker and light them up in a nuclear meltdown. I’m sure producers love the second type of response, but I’d rather not be the next ”Ripsi” on “Bad Girls Club”.


The boys are getting makeovers this episode! It’s just not a reality show without the makeover. Here we see Shawn getting a bit of a mini mohawk. Or something.


Ta Daa! Pretty nice. The changes were subtle, but I think Shawn looked very handsome.


Mike ended up looking a little bit like an Anime character with the spiky hair, but still cute as always.


Mike’s makeover was the most expensive of the show, because they had to bring in Zelda Rubinstein to exorcise his collection of MC Hammer pants back into the 1980s. Pretty nice results!


Jim’s makeover was subtle, too. Just a bit of spit and polish, and he was looking good.


Pardon me, but are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?


Unfortunately, Andrea’s insistence that I was doing Jim wrong by keeping him here when I wasn’t able to match his level of emotional commitment began to take its toll, combined with the obvious unhappiness from the guys that I had not eliminated any one in the last elimination ceremony. After much thought and consideration, I decided that I had to call Jim and spare him further pain from the grinding, crushing experience of being on my dating show. These kinds of things are very hard for me… I’m such an “avoider”, I’d have almost rather just left the guys to enjoy the hotel while I slipped away somewhere to savor the memories of fun I’d had on the show without having to let anyone down in the process.


Just to clear the palate, a re-emergence of my soap opera hair.


Jim is, as always, the consummate gentleman and ends up comforting me when I break down in tears while letting him go. Such a good guy! Ladies, as far as I know he is currently single… click his name for his MySpace page!


It all becomes too much for me… I really was not made for this kind of thing! So Andrea comes to stay with me. See, we’re still friends, no matter what our tense Jim-related exchanges might lead you to believe. I always remind myself that friends like Andrea come before boyfriends by repeating “Ho’s before Bro’s” to myself.


Now I get to go on two final dates to figure out the final choice. Mike and I hop into a fancy red convertible and drive along Mulholland Drive into the Hollywood Hills. Luckily, I’ve worn my Sleestack costume.


We have a lovely date, up until one final momentous moment, which was strangely not included in the TV show. During our heart-to-heart conversation, Mike refers with great and obvious derision to the ”Theory of Evolution”, and the implication is that he believes it to be a preposterous lie. In other words, I inferred that he believed that evolution did not exist or happen in nature, and thus that the Earth was about 2000 years old and dinosaurs were put in the ground by the Devil to “trick us”. As sexy and cute and charming as Mike was to me, I just knew that there were way, way too many miles of distance between us philosophically and temporally, so I knew after that date that I definitely should not consider choosing to go forward with us as a couple.


So next I had my date with Shawn. My suite was transformed into a luxuriant boudoir, with rose petals strewn on fine fabrics laid out in front of a fireplace. Scented candles flickered among greenery, and a feast of sweets and delights were spread out before me. Shawn came in… and immediately “let me have it”, as I like to say. By that, I mean he roundly condemned me for keeping all three guys and not eliminating one the previous night.


Argghhh! There were so many factors he did not understand… so many things I could have said… but I figured it would be best to remain calm and magnanimous, so I swallowed my disappointment at the lovely setting being wasted and nodded. After getting that off his chest, Shawn calmed down, though. We quickly settled down and relaxed into the luxury of the moment. Aside from the beginning of the date, it was very nice. Check out my arms! Wow, thin much? Ha ha, I’ve gained back some weight since the show, so I’m not looking so anorexic now. Sigh!


There was one final couch-chat with Alec and Andrea, and we went over the things that had transpired across the entire series. Memmm-ries!


This last moment was the most difficult of the entire experience for me. I genuinely liked both guys, in different ways. But especially after revealing just how vast the gulf was between our beliefs, I knew that I could not choose Mike and put him through the inevitable friction and disappointment that would come from us attempting a relationship. 3… 2… 1… CRYFACE!


I chose Shawn, because he is handsome, talented and because he and I are at similar points in our lives. We are similar ages, both working hard at growing our careers here in California, and have good chemistry. He is a great guy, and I feel very lucky to have met him.

I honestly don’t know what will come of our meeting… people ask all the time. I’m not sure what to say, because I can be a “hard to get to know” person, and the context of a dating show turned out to be far beyond my assumptions of weirdness and difficulty. Whatever happens, I will remember these guys for many, many years to come, and I hope they will remember me with at least some fondness as well.

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