What I Wish I Had Known About Transition When I Was Younger
Calpernia circa 1998 (Yes, I know I looked better back then than I do now, ha ha)
Transition is never perfect, never easy and never finished. But it does get better, it does easier and it does recede into the background as time goes by.
I started my transition in my early twenties, after escaping from a completely unaccepting home situation in suburban Tennessee by joining the Navy. My family’s fundamentalist religion made me feel terrible about myself, and I was the last person anyone would have ever expected to join the military. But in the Navy I was promised a ticket out of Nashville and a medical job that would allow me to take care of people and be compassionate, as long as I kept up physically and maintained a strong will to survive. I did my best in the military, taking full advantage of the training and learning self confidence that would later serve me well when I began the most difficult journey of my life: the journey from living a lie as a boy to living truthfully as a girl.
Although I had always been a feminine person who dreamed of being a girl, I never imagined it was possible to transition and I was not an ideal candidate in any case. I was tall and skinny, with bad teeth and sensitive skin that was always turning red and looking irritated at the slightest little thing. I was desperately awkward around people and painfully shy. But immediately after High School and four years in the Navy, I decided that I had to try or else I would never know whether I could ever be happy. I made many mistakes along the way, and had many bits of luck, and here I want to share some of the things I wish I had known when I began this amazing process.
I wish I had started earlier. When I was a teenager, there was very little information available, so I hardly knew that there was anyone else like me in the world. But now there are community resources like TYFA and online sites like Andrea James‘ tsroadmap.com that list thousands of pages of medical, social and legal information, so people in transition can learn all sorts of things about the process before they even begin. They can learn about how to find therapists or supporters, and how to come out as trans to parents, families and friends. They can share information about what to expect with their parents and doctors, and get everyone working together to make a safe, smooth transition as early as possible. In a nutshell, young people are at an age where some of the most irreversible changes are still taking place in their bodies that will read as either “girl” or “boy” to people. Trans women who take steps in their 20′s or before to block testosterone with various medications can reduce the thousands of dollars and pain that comes with removing facial and body hair that will otherwise become thicker and more abundant as time passes. They can reduce the effects of testosterone-fueled growth spurts that result in unusual-for-women height, shoulder size, hand and foot size later. And women who start hormone therapy at an early age usually have hugely improved results in physical development, skin texture and general feminization as compared to women who start this later in life. I wish I had taken care of the legal aspects of transition sooner as well. I was very focused on getting my appearance in order, and integrating into society as quickly as possible, but it wasn’t until I encountered a sudden, unexpected legal situation that I realized how vulnerable it left me to have all of my legal paperwork still in my birth name and sex. I rushed to change my bank accounts, birth certificate, Social Security Card, Driver’s License, apartment lease, car registration and title and every other thing I could think of to reflect my new name and sex. Some things required one document to be changed before the other could be done, and it was all very rushed because I had not researched it beforehand and made a plan. You can find information on how to do these legal changes yourself at tsroadmap.com.
Aside from medical and legal transition, the very best thing you can do right now to give yourself power and freedom later in life is to study hard, get the best grades you can, and get into/stay in college or a trade school and earn a degree in something that makes money. Not comparative anthropology with a specialization in Etruscan pottery. You need a job that makes money, and to get that you need some kind of education. And it doesn’t have to be something trans-stereotypical like hair or beauty-shop, though those are perfectly fine as well. I’m talking about business, finance, accounting, medicine, nursing, and so on. This doesn’t have to be boring. Any of these jobs are what you make of them. And this doesn’t mean you must have a 4.0 GPA and get into Harvard (although that would be great!) Focus on your strengths and do your best, even if it’s the local state school or community college. You can get an education with less money than you think if you get good grades and take out student loans sensibly. Focus on your dream, visualize yourself as a beautiful, happy woman living in her own place, with her own car and a good job where she is so valued and essential due to her skills that they would have no problem accepting her past if it should ever come to light. Save your money, read up on credit and establish good credit for yourself. You will have a large credit limit sooner than you think if you are sensible and don’t take advantage of it on flat screen televisions and $400 shoes. And all this time, you can be progressing in your transition in other areas and enjoying the journey as the new you.
Along the way, you will be faced with choices that can either help you down the path to your goals, or hold you back from them. Just remember that you are worthwhile. You have things to share with people that are good, and unique and important. The choices you make should be the choices that give you the power and the strength to make your dreams happen in life. Some may be tempted to medicate the painful emotions and experiences with drugs or alcohol. Some may be tempted by medical shortcuts like street hormones or back-alley silicone injections. But look beyond the moment, to a few years down the line, and make your choices with love and hope for the future that you deserve.
As a trans person, you will find yourself fighting for respect and equality in most every circumstance you encounter where people know that you are trans. It will be easier to avoid prejudice by blending in as well as possible, and it will be easier to fight prejudice when it does come by being the most self-reliant, educated, financially stable person you can be, with a circle of family and friends who have had access to good information along the way so that they can support you with all their hearts. This is one of the most difficult, rewarding and magical journeys that anyone can undertake. As in a fairytale, by the end you will have transformed from one thing into another. You will have overcome emotional and social obstacles far beyond those that most of your friends and family will ever face. We are warriors and we are magical in the truest sense, and I encourage you all to take courage, take a deep breath, prepare yourselves and march onward. Past all the battles and those who would be your enemies, you will find your victory.
Resources:
http://www.tsroadmap.com
FREE Coming Out Videos by Calpernia and Andrea on YouTube
(This piece was originally written by request for Matthew’s Place, a website dedicated to the memory of Matthew Shepard. Ihave changed a few words and bolded some key phrases.)
| Print article | This entry was posted by Calpernia Addams on August 19, 2009 at 3:33 pm, and is filed under Advice, Diary, Writing. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site. |
about 2 years ago
Wow Calpernia, nice job on creating a resource for someone who is interested in this topic. I admire re-assignment patients. I have no idea what it must be like, but I know it must be beyond problematic. You are a hero.
about 2 years ago
(pre-everything FTM here and huge Cal fan)
I just got home from visiting my ailing grandmother where my mother told me I am ‘pathetic’. (I too am from TN and a very Southern Baptist fundamentalist family. On June 28th, ironically the anniversary of the Stonewall rebellion, my uncle, a church pastor punched me in the face.) Anyway, when my mom said that to me I kissed my grandmother goodbye and I left (to the tune of my mother saying, ‘yeah, run off.’ I came home to see who was online and no one was around and so to feel better I came here. These words you share right here Calpernia are exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Love and hugs.
about 2 years ago
Great article Calpernia. Transitioning in my 40s is not great but it is still magical. But like you said limited resources and info when we were young just did not exist. I only met the fist trans person in my life 3 years ago. TYFA and organizations like that are so very important to help the young ones before they spend decades suffering self doubt, guilt and shame. It just does not have to be that way anymore. – Blessings to ya.
about 2 years ago
Well said. Well. Said.
about 2 years ago
Calpernia, this is what I meant when called you a “influencer”. People like you on the scene from diverse backgrounds making significant contributions to the transgender community, showing the way to a brighter, safer and happier future. I’m really glad to read where you stressed a good education as the foundation for a successful transition, both in obtaining the necessary knowledge to accomplish the transition, and in putting yourself in a financial position to meet the necessary physical requirements to make the transition a reality. But the Internet can be either a boon or a curse considering the difficult, painful, and all too often dangerous road you all must follow no matter how daunting or bleak the future looked. All things considered however transgendered individuals are some of the most optimistic people I’ve ever seen. What began as a hope and a dream, young or old, it still took a bold decision to dare pursue happiness as who and as what you aspired to be despite the cynicism, pessimism, and sarcasm you’re bound to encounter along the way. Yes, there are many with similar mindsets and similar dreams but most fall short, or belatedly discover it was not right for them. So while a huge bounty of information about transgender is available at your fingertips do take care with what you do with it. The future is always within your grasp, but not always what you thought it would be.
about 2 years ago
It IS helpful stuff indeed. I just began my Transition, and had no
resources growing up in a somewhat simular background. Wish I hadn’t
destroyed my credit rating, but I never thought I’d get a chance at
Transition and acted out of Misery ; Buying Stuff to self-medicate
loneliness and that whole “self-hating trip”. It is awesome to meet
others who have overcome all these hurdles. At times it seems overwhelming when you have no one to ask for advice, just haters to sound off to.
K
about 2 years ago
You are one of the most organized and eloquent spokespersons on transition period Calpernia . Of all the messages you deliver I think, the most important is transition can be very self hating or it can be such a beautiful thing . The choice is really ours . You are wise well beyond your years.
Do I regret not transitioning sooner ? Yes , absolutely but … perhaps I would have had the life I always really wanted but one thing troubles me, I might not have known all the wonderful people I have met (including you ) and that makes me sad a bit . There is little time left for regret in a truly full life I think and now I am just thankful for being born when I was. Had I known how good I would feel, I definitely would have but , that is for the next lifetime. Brilliant.
about 2 years ago
What she said! Gosh Calpernia I wished over and over that I had stared earlier for all the reasons you gave. Of course being an older transitioner, (young 50′s)it was just plain impossible due to my lack of knowledge. I have to agree though that no matter how late you begin life as your true self it is still worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Hugs!
Denise
about 2 years ago
With all due respect, I completely disagree with this ‘I wish I had transitioned earlier’ nonsense. This seems to be a common fantasy in our community – post-ops say their lives would be easier and better now ‘if only..’, cross dressers and those afraid to transition fantasize that they’d now be the woman they should have been at birth ‘if only…’.
The truth is more complex. Simply being ‘a thin and feminine child’ does not make someone transsexual any more than being athletic and outwardly masculine does not. The actual factors of family, place, and time also seem to be forgotten in this fantasy. Life in my Junior High and High School would have been a lonely hell if I’d had come out as transsexual back then. And if we’re going to be totally honest with ourselves, we’d all heard of transsexuals in the news by age 15 – and we could have done something about it – so let’s not totally whitewash the past.
Adolescence is a time when a person’s body and mind undergo tremendous changes, to alter one’s appearance with any kind of surgery at that time is recipe for future disaster. Why do surgeons resist doing breast implants on nose jobs on teenagers?.. because they know that they will continue to change till their mid 20’s. And how many of know trans-women who’ve gotten breast implants at the start, only to regret it after seeing the natural development 5-7 years of hormones brings?.. Picture a 12 year old girl and see her at again at 19 – voila!
We must also remember that gender surgeons are not gods – talented as they are, they are also their own best salesmen who are in business to get you and me to buy as many of their services as possible. If you don’t think this about money – compare how many surgeons there were in 15 years ago, and the rates they charged, with the number of surgeons and rates today.
I started transition in ’92 and right up till the eve of gender surgery in ’95, each doctor tried to up-sell me on something – you’ll already be under, so get ‘Combo #1’ and save money on new breasts, cheeks, and lipo! Take ‘Combo #2’ and we’ll throw in new nose! Thankfully I was too broke to take them up any of it, but it left me with a decade of bad body image.
To the larger point, genetic women come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of beauty. We as community need to realize that acceptance as a woman does mean we have to look like the cover of Vogue – few genetic women actually do, yet hundreds of millions of them still live happy, productive lives.
We should all take care of ourselves and the desire to look our best, that’s true, but making ‘passing’ dependant solely on looks – and not on what lies within the soul – leads to a caricature of femininity (and an addiction to plastic surgery).
No one can turn back time, so if we’re going to daydream about being better women, dream forward and start living the life you’ve always dreamed of.
about 2 years ago
Oh i dunno, you had a kind of faun-in-the-headlights look in that earlier pic.
The extra height T-girls have wouldn’t be a problem if women didn’t insist on taller guys. Unfortunately for me & other short guys there isn’t any way to get taller so we’re shut right out.
about 2 years ago
Yeah, Calpernia is right, I started hormone therapy a few months after I turned 20 and I’ve been in transition ever since. I do not have to worry about earning all of my higher education credentials in my male identity and I am living my life as it should be lived.
Plus, my electrologist says my facial hair is no where near as dense as her other tg clients. I guess maybe it is due to this and the fact that I lived a pretty sedentary life.
about 2 years ago
Thank you, everyone, for the encouraging comments! I’m flattered to hear from so many new visitors as well as some people in the trans community I’ve known and respected for so long!
about 2 years ago
Comments have not been lost
about 2 years ago
What a wonderfully presented bunch of advice! You are wise and compassionate, and a real cutiepie too. Thank you for your blog.